Support Raising

For those of you who missed it, here is the support letter I sent out about three months ago:

Hello Friends,

 As some of you know, and many of you will not be surprised to hear, I like to summarize the passion God has given me for supporting His Church as two-fold: I am passionate about pouring into the people who are already part of the Church so they are equipped and encouraged to reach those outside the church, and I am passionate about connecting the Church in America with the Universal Church in tangible, practical ways. I am more than thrilled to share with you that God has led me over the last year to an opportunity to do both of these things. I will be spending two months this summer (Summer 2016) with an organization called Serge in Ireland!

 Honestly, before I take time to share more about this “internship,” I want to be very upfront in my ask: while I need financial support for this trip, and I do ask you to prayerfully consider how you can give ­­toward this opportunity, more than anything else, I covet your prayer and your encouragement for this trip. Yes, I have a lot of money to raise and there is a lot for which I am relying on God. But God has never left me hanging when He has called me – whether He has called me to a new job or on a trip overseas, He has always provided.

 Please commit to praying for me and for this trip: …that I continue to trust God as I wait to see His provision. …that God continues to prepare my heart for this trip and that I will be gracious and humble. …for unity as a team and that God will open doors for us in Ireland to touch needs.

 While these are the biggest things about which I ask for your prayers, please also be in prayer for the details on this side of the trip: …the ability to work ahead well at my job and for smooth transitions to and from the temporary person. …for support raising for trip costs and other financial needs I will have over this time. Please pray for all these things for the other members of my team, as well!

 On this trip, we will spend time supporting pastors and missionaries who already work in Ireland. We American interns will begin our time in Ireland with a week of training and discipleship in Dublin, after which we’ll join with Irish locals and head out in groups to join ministry leaders where they are already working. At each location, we are there to partner with whatever these pastors and missionaries are already doing – working to assist and encourage them as they proclaim Gospel and grace despite a growing atmosphere of atheism there. We will stay in each location for a week or two before moving to the next place.

As I mentioned above, please consider how God is leading you to partner with me for this opportunity. Serge requires that I raise over $5,000 to cover airfare to and from Ireland, food & lodging, local transportation, and other ministry expenses. Fifty percent of my funding is due by March 31, and the remainder is due by May 6. If you are led to support me on this trip, checks can be made payable to Serge and mailed to the address on my pledge card (which you should include with your check). You may also submit donations online by going to serge.org/staff/id-22100/.

 One last thing: I would much rather discuss this in person (or at least voice-to-voice) with each and every one of you so I can share about the passions God has placed on my heart and about my excitement for this trip! While I hope to contact many of you in a few weeks to do so and to see how God is leading you to support this trip, please feel free to call or text me at XXX.XXX.XXXX. You can also email me at brittany.stichter@gmail.com.

 Thank you for joining me in this opportunity as the Lord leads you!

             May the Lord make His face to shine upon you!

NOTE: I am more than fully funded!! God is so good!
NOTE 2: If you would like to receive the 2ish update emails I hope to send while I'm gone, please email me.

I expect to write more soon... I want to write about what all has happened in the last three months.

I will also post the update email I sent out yesterday, but it may take me a day or two to get to it...

See you soon!
B

My Day

I sit in my car.  Nothing feels like enough.  I long for that feeling which one finds on the first sunny Spring day…

#

The birds are chirping.  The air is crisp and clean.  The sun is shining, making every color bolder, brighter, more colorful.  The very air declares lightness, brightness and goodness.  In your heart, there rings a melody.  All creatures of our God and King lift up their voices and with you sing.  All is good and right.  God is on the throne.  Brightness and lightness are the sum of the feeling of life.

#

It seems that that feeling is within grasp: all I need is the right place to live, the right car, the right job.  My house should be full of windows - or at very least an open floor-plan apartment above a few shops.  My car should be nothing short of a pumpkin orange Mini Cooper.  My job should somehow consist of writing, encouraging, learning, and discipling.  I should guide my own schedule and have no responsibility but to love people and do life with them.  I should find value in what I am learning (which should be in a classroom format), but the requirements on my time should be light, such that I still have time to write what I want to write and pour into people’s lives.

#

I know in my heart that what I am longing for is Heaven.  This junction of despondence and hope calls to something beyond this world.  Somehow, when we long for more than this world has to offer, we are reminded that we are not made for this world.  

I remind myself that God is in control.

#

In tears, I call my mom.  I tell her that I have nowhere to go, nothing to do.  She notes that, in the city, there are a million people and each one feels alone.
I tell her that I want to live in a house: without roommates and that I own.  I tell her that I do not want to be committed to staying in Grand Rapids.  An apartment would be close enough, so long as it meets certain qualifications.  I want to travel.  I want to make a database of people in my church and what they do.  I want to write.  To speak.  To make coffee.  I want to love people.  I want to go to seminary.  I want to be a connection point between dreams, callings and ministries.
My brother is so different from me.  He has to be asked where he wants to be in five years and what he should do next to get there.  I, on the other hand, have to be reminded that this is only today.  This is one afternoon.  This is one month.  If I need to find a new job or new place to live soon, so be it.  In taking this or that job, in finding this or that place to live, in missing a deadline for this summer’s internship application… it is only today. 
I ask my mom what to do today and she tells me she does not know.  I sob that I do not know what to do and I do not want to go home.  I dream of going to a coffee shop and writing.  It sounds like the sunny-Spring-day feeling.
Since I am unsure what else to do with my day, I head back to my car.  My feet are cold: walking around this cemetery barefoot was a bad choice.  I text a friend and ask to borrow a laptop.  My plan is to go downtown to a coffee shop where I always feel at home.

#

In reality, I am neither at the cemetery, nor on the phone with my mom, nor sitting in my car (though I was a little while ago).  I am in my friends’ apartment, using Ryan’s laptop.  All I have eaten today is a yogurt, a cup of coffee, and two chocolate chip cookies.  I am hungry, the sky is cloudy, and I will not have a movie-perfect apartment or house.
In reality, life is not made up of sunny-Spring-day feelings.  Life is made up of daily choosing to be content, to embrace God’s plan for my life, and remind myself of His proven faithfulness in my life.  The feeling of confidence in God’s love is better than the sunny-Spring-day feeling.  God’s love pours over me and reminds me that I will only be happy and satisfied in Him.  Even the perfect car and perfect job will not satisfy: within days, the dirt on the windows and the clouds in the sky would block the sunshine.  The need for gas and a new turn signal bulb would dampen the glamour of owning a Mini. My new job would leave me feeling tired and incapable.  

In reality, the only thing I know for sure in this life is God.  I know many things about Him, but those things on which I can anchor my life.  I know that He is good.  I know He loves me.  I know His plans for me are better than the ones I make for myself.  These three sentences have been my mantra before, and now they will be again.  My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness.
We relegate the Gospel to the lives only of people who have not accepted Christ, as if it only holds value for them.  In reality, the Gospel may hold more value for me:  God is good, God loves me, and His plans for me - as His child - are good.  Do not these sentences both sum up and pour forth from the Gospel?  Do they not contain drastic implications for my life, if I claim to follow this good God?  Can I not rest securely knowing that He has proven himself to me?

#

Sing them over again to me, wonderful words of life.
Let me more of their beauty see, wonderful words of life. 

Words of life and beauty, teach me faith and duty. 

Beautiful words, wonderful words, wonderful words of life. 

Christ the blessed one gives to all, wonderful words of life.
Sinner list’ to the Gospel call, wonderful words of life.
All so freely given, wooing us to Heaven.
Beautiful words, wonderful words, wonderful words of life.

#

When...

Revelation 4.

In Revelation class, it was explained as a "stagnant scene": a scene going on in Heaven yesterday, today, and forever.  It never changes.

Revelation 4 describes the appearance of the "throne room" of Heaven: complete with jasper-and-carnelian descriptions of "the one seated on the throne", an emerald rainbow, and the 24 elders falling off their 24 thrones to throw their crowns at the feet of him who sits enthroned.  This scene is incomplete without also noting the lightning and thunder from the throne, the torches, and the sea of glass/crystal before the throne - not to mention the four beasts covered in wings and eyes... I could go on.  In class, I believe we spent over a week on this chapter alone.

No matter how you cut it, this scene is mind boggling and resplendent, and coated with glory.  It's scary and it's beautiful.

I have heard messages on Revelation/Heaven that blew my mind and changed my perspective forever (cf. Francis Chan, Brethren National Youth Conference (BNYC) 2005).  But the beautiful truth here is that this scene doesn't change.

     When lies are louder than truth.
     When addiction is tearing your family apart.

     When you still don't know what you will do next year.

     When the future looms before you, complete with blocked views and impossible dreams.
     When the one you love walks away.
     When the world is ravaged by Ebola and AIDS.
     When your perfect newborn has a 0% chance at life.
     When you can't face another day at work.
     When the idols of your life are revealed and you have to choose against them.
     When there is no hope of freedom.
     When it all seems pointless.
     When the doctors say you will never have children.
     When you cannot afford another semester of college.
     When one you love is diagnosed with stage four cancer.
     When our world is literally ending.

God is still seated on the throne.  He will be still seated on the throne.  He still commands praise and He still emanates glory.  

     When God provides healing.
     When you are so in love that your heart will explode.
     When your baby lives.
     When doctors find a cure.
     When the sun is shining.
     When the leaves on the tree are beautiful beyond compare.
     When you get the scholarship.
     When you watch your favorite movie with a mug of hot tea.
     When a 2-year-old tells you that your "sweetheart" is actually the yellow man from The Wiggles.
     When hope fills your soul.
     When you hear God's calling.
     When the music pierces your heart.
     When you find you can stand on your own.
     When a long-lost friend comes home.
     When you hear words of encouragement.
     When someone becomes an honest-to-goodness Anne-Shirley-and-Diana-Barry "bosom friend."
Twenty-four elders are falling before the throne in worship.  Beasts we can't even imagine proclaim the holiness of God.  Thunder peals from the throne.  God is still in Heaven.

 No matter what.  Never ending.  Too worthy even for our inept praise.



And yet.
     And yet He seeks you out.
     And yet He loves you.
     And yet He cares enough to care that you really need that close parking spot today.
     And yet He desires to hear your hurts.
     And yet He has a beautiful plan for you.
     And yet He will never leave you.
     And yet He desires you.
     And yet He provided a way for you.
     And yet He is able to sympathize with your weakness.
     And yet He intercedes for you.
     And yet He tore the veil, so that you have unencumbered, unimpeded access directly to His presence.
     And yet He wants to hear from you.

More on Calling...

So obviously I am plugging away at school - seeing as this will be the third homework assignment I have posted in the last while...
But at least that means I'm proud of the work I'm doing, right!?

The last post I made was an essay I had written about the two books on purpose/vocation/calling (Let Your Life Speak by Parker J. Palmer and The Call by Os Guinness). After all the (seven) students in that class wrote their papers to fulfill that same assignment, we were assigned to read each other's papers and reply: "Read the papers from the other members of your group in Moodle. Then interact with the papers in a discussion post. Your post can challenge an idea, affirm a thought, raise questions, summarize concepts, or build on the ideas of others."
There were SO many ways I wanted to take this paper, so many things I wanted to say... But here is what eventually showed up on my computer screen as I finished writing.

**I have changed my classmates' names in this post**

            My classmates have written papers about The Call (Os Guinness) and Let Your Life Speak (Parker Palmer) which both agree with me in places and also balance out my own thoughts well by expressing issue I took with the authors and which I could not incorporate into my paper.

            Travis saw the same value in what Palmer has to say that I saw: that Calling comes (in part) from the “deepest longings of [our] heart, . . . desires . . . and the prodding” God has given us. He points out that Guinness’s understanding of Call often “rubs against our ego. But this is not a restrictive calling! – it’s a completely freeing one.” This reminder is so important because we so often fear following God’s calling in our lives – we are afraid that we will miss out on life, or be unhappy following God’s Call.

            At times we echo the struggle Katherine expresses when she tells of how her heart says “GO!”, but then a struggle presents itself because she must deal with loans. But she also reminds us that “we know that wherever God leads is it [sic] to glorify him and there is nothing greater we can accomplish in our lives other than glorifying him.” Rachel also gives us this reminder, saying that, though we not be able to answer “‘what do you want to do when you grow up?’, we can rest assured that we serve a God who is bigger than what we do for a living.” 

            Travis reminds us that God’s call is freeing. Rachel and Katherine point us back to the truth which eases our fear of getting “stuck” due to paying off loans (possibly even when it delays going where our heart-fire draws us), because they remind us that even if/when following God means paying off loans, His plan is still worthwhile – and will ultimately bring us joy: “For me, following the call for my life brings me the most satisfaction and pleasure in my life” (Bryce).

            So now we remember that we can trust God, and Tim presents a timely question: “Where are the men and women who are willing to follow those callings and believe in the one through whom they can move mountains?” He reminds us that pursuing our calling will not be all fun and games, but that “we must act in relation to that calling – despite the discomfort that may come out of it.”

            As I mentioned earlier, though, my classmates do more than merely echo and expand on what I said in my own paper. They also fill in the gaps I had in my communication. One of these issues is the issue of Palmer seeming to leave God entirely too much out of the picture. 

            Sarah points out this significant issue with Palmer’s writing when she asks “If we are constantly listening to ourselves, how are we to listen to what God is telling us?” Bryce also points this problem out when he says that Palmer “does not offer a way through this troublesome journey” of “finding him- or herself”.

            He presents a solution to Palmer’s inadequate presentation of Calling through Guinness’s understanding of Calling. As Bryce shows, Guinness’s view is a completion and incorporation of Palmer’s understanding because Guinness provides both a means and purpose to seeking our Calling, “by asserting that God is the purpose of life”.

 

            But my classmate’s papers do even more than merely fill in the gaps and echo my own thoughts: Bryce causes us to think when he asks “How do you make sure you start off on the right dream?”

            Ultimately, this is what it’s all about, isn’t it? How do we make sure we head down the right path?
            How many times do we know of stories like this one: My friend was sick, so she was uncharacteristically skipping class to rest. As she headed to lunch, she met one of those ever-present camp representatives in the Corum. As they struck up a conversation, both parties quickly realized that my friend was exactly the person the camp wanted as a counselor: she was trained and competent in aspects of camp ministry that the recruiter expected to have to train all of her new staff in. My friend was passionate about the things the camp stood for. My friend had camp experience, but couldn’t go back to the camp she had previously worked at. My friend needed a summer job. It “just so happened” that she was sick, going to eat lunch at a time she typically would not have gone, that camp was there…

            We all know these stories. I have another friend who “happened” to be at a specific church, “happened” to strike up a conversation with someone she didn’t know, “happened” to hear of a camp which was more than her ideal summer job, while she was at the camp “happened” to hear about a ministry in Grand Rapids that worked with a country she “happened” to be rather interested in…

            [insert your own story of “happened” here…]

            What do so many of these stories have in common? “Happened”. But they all come because each person did the next right thing. I know we have all heard this concept before… but my first friend was taking care of the body God had given her, and my other friend was treating a random girl at her church as someone made by God – honoring this other person by paying attention to them.

            So, Bryce's question is valid: how do we start heading in the right direction?
            The answer is surprisingly simple. As we seek to live each moment of our days being who Christ would have us be, God directs our paths. Through chance encounters. Through disquieting feelings about our future plans. Through time in His Word. Through conversations.

            If God cares about each of us enough that He has a special plan and Calling for our individual lives (as I believe He does), then He is not going to leave us floundering, unable to find the good path He has laid for us to follow.

Calling...

In the last two weeks, for my Senior Capstone Seminar class, I have read two books on the idea of "calling" or "vocation". One of these was Let Your Life Speak, by Parker J. Palmer, and the other one was The Call, by Os Guinness.
I read each of these books, and then we got the assignment: Mini-Paper. "The Mini-Paper is not a mere reflection on your ideas or thoughts about the topic but a well-reasoned response based on your reading, research, and our classroom interaction." EEK.

So anyway, I don't know whether I fulfilled the requirements for this paper... but I like (most of) how my paper turned out, anyway.

**Disclaimer: I may or may not have finished writing this paper (in order to meet the 6 pm deadline) while playing some thinking/planning/quick-paced type games with my newest friend group on campus... So... don't judge my writing too badly because of this paper!**

            Guinness and Palmer both wrote books about calling. They have different ideas about what calling is, and they seem very contradictory when one reads the books.

            According to Guinness, Calling is two levels: on the first level, “our primary calling as followers of Christ is by him, to him and for him. . . . Our secondary calling, considering who God is as sovereign, is that everyone, everywhere, and in everything should think, speak, live, and act entirely for him.”[1] Both of these two pieces of “calling” are universal for all believers.

            The first part of this calling is also the same for everyone, whereas the second piece of this calling looks different for each person. Under this second piece, each person’s specific life path is part of his calling, though one’s job is not the same as one’s calling. Each person must find his main purpose in pursuing Christ. Another distinction Guinness makes is between corporate and individual calling: there are things to which the individual is called, but the Church also has a calling.[2]

            As each person seeks for his calling, Guinness explains that he must come to understand his gifts as given to him to be used in service of others, and to prepare one for the place where he is called.[3] This understanding is juxtaposed against understanding gifts as being given so as to make oneself happy or that a man must seek a position which fulfills his gifts. This understanding of calling leads one to be all he can be, to lead a “higher life” (though not in the sense of needing to be a monk or a pastor).

            By contrast, Palmer sees calling (or “vocation”, as he labels it) as being part of the person one already is. To him, when one pursues a position or “calling” too hard, he risks missing his calling. Palmer’s understanding is that calling is living to be who one naturally wants to be, following one’s abilities and desires. To Palmer, “Vocation at its deepest level is, ‘This is something I can’t not do, for reasons I’m unable to explain to anyone else and don’t fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.’”[4]

            One of the biggest aspects of Palmer’s understanding of calling is seen in his appreciation for closed doors and recognition of things for which he is not gifted. He has learned to see each closed door (non-opportunity) as part of God’s leading in his life. Palmer does not see that he needs God to show him exactly where to go, but instead sees each place God shows him not to go as an integral piece to finding his calling. He also explains like this: “When I give something I do not possess, I give a false and dangerous gift, a gift that looks like love but is, in reality, loveless – a gift given more from my need to prove myself than from the other’s need to be cared for.”[5]

            Where Guinness sees calling as an intentional pursuit of God, Palmer sees it as the directing God already does in one’s life. Guinness’s “calling” requires all one’s attention; Palmer’s requires not trying too hard.

            When one first reads these books, as mentioned earlier, the ideas presented in them seem as though they are almost in direct conflict. I would suggest that the best understanding of “calling” is only found when one combines both ideas presented in these books. We cannot understand our calling as merely a pursuit of righteousness (similar to Guinness’s position), and we cannot understand our calling as merely “following our hearts,” as they say (similar to Palmer’s position).

            I think we must learn to see calling as being compelled because of and by Christ to live a life worthy of Him (or as close as we can come to such a life) which utilizes the good gifts, abilities and desires God has given us. 

            Our calling is not something we should be afraid of missing for it is comprised of all the ways (small or gargantuan) we seek God, and all the ways He directs us. When we pursue Him, He will direct us to our calling. One of the ways He does that is through our desires, hopes and dreams.

            We know that “God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good” (Genesis 1:31a, ESV). Since we know that He has not made us bad, we know that He has made us good. When God made us, He also put in us desires. If “everything” God made was good, then can we not also know that the desires He gave us are good? We also know that “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change” (James 1:17, ESV). These desires (and hopes and dreams), which are gifts from God, we can use as directions toward our calling.[6]

            At the same time, these desires can easily become wrong when they are dis-ordered and placed in our lives as more important than our desires for God. This is where Guinness’s idea comes in – we must have Christ as our main goal, and only as seeing pursuit of Him as our primary calling will we be able to keep our desires ordered correctly behind Him.

            So, after reading both books, and after thinking through the fact that they are not actually nearly as contradictory as one originally thinks, he comes to the realization that these are actually complementary ideas. When one combines the two concepts, he comes to find a fuller and better understanding of Calling.

---

[1] Os Guinness, The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life (Nashville, Tenn: Word, 1998), 31.

[2] Ibid., chapter 12.

[3] Ibid., chapter 6.

[4] Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation. (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000), 25.

[5] Ibid., 48.

[6] Obviously, this is/could be/should be an entire theological discussion by itself. Also obviously, I do not have time nor space to discuss it thoroughly here… Maybe someday I’ll be able to write the paper that’s begging to be written.

My Family

So I wrote this tonight to turn in for one of my classes tomorrow. This is a concept my mom and I have discussed in the past, so I thought it was the perfect thing to pull out for this assignment... I have NO idea if the paper OR the drawing is what the Prof wants, but here goes!

(Also, a disclaimer: I am NOT this good at drawing... but I am REALLY good at tracing and coloring!)

   My family consists of my dad, my mom, my older brother, and me. They are my family because they are the people who make up the group which I am biologically most closely related to. They are my family because they are the people I lived with in a house growing up. But they are more than that.
   These are the people who are always there for me. No matter what else happens in life, no matter where I go or what I do, they are there for me. If I need them, they will come quick as a blink. If I’m lonely, I know they are there. When I’m crying, they understand that the tears themselves are not that big of a deal; they know that whatever is behind the tears is what truly matters.
   My dad is represented here by a gallon of milk. He is what strengthens the “bones” of my family. If you know anything about my house, you know that there is always at least one jug of milk in the fridge, or else something has gone very awry. In the same way, my dad is always available, he is dependable. He is the go-to guy.
   Hot chocolate is one of the most comforting drinks known to anyone. It warms your heart. It knows just what to say. Drinking hot chocolate is like drinking the most sincere hug you have ever experienced, it is like knowing the comforting presence of your mom. Here you meet my mom. Occasionally, hot chocolate is too warm, too sweet, or too filling, but those occasions are few and far between.
  It is also important to notice that my parents are on the top of this picture. They are the head of the house and they are to be followed. My mom is on the right of the picture; she is Dad’s right hand. Like life would be nearly impossible without your right hand, so my dad could hardly function without my mom. At the same time, hot chocolate without milk is not even thinkable. Mom without Dad is seriously lacking. He completes her. She relies on him for her very identity. Each of my parents can stand alone when they must, but they are both functioning most fully when the other is there.
   Next, my brother. Jake is always what you expect, very reliable, few variations. You always know what to expect from him from one encounter to another, but there is a special and lovely energy and fizz to be found in him. While he may sometimes be a little flat (like a two liter which has been open too long), and he may sometimes be more fizz than flavor (like a fountain which needs to be fixed), mostly he is just the favorite choice. 
   I am the last one on the sheet. I am an Italian soda, a mix of flavors and club soda. I have been described as “sparkly and exciting, changing daily, always fun and with unexpected flair. Not always available to everyone, but highly valued when you are available!” The exact flavor of the day is always up for grabs, but be ready, because I will always bring a special weirdness with me. (I suggest a Lavender Blackberry soda today.)
   Like Italian sodas and Mountain Dew, my brother and I are at once very similar and completely different. You may even at times think I am the older of the two siblings. However, when it really comes down to it, Mountain Dew has been around since the 1964 ("PepsiCo Aims to Bring Urban Cool to Mountain Dew Image: Retail - Bloomberg", n.d.), while Monin’s Florida manufacturing site did not come around until 1996 (Monin.com, “Our Company”), making my favorite Italian soda the newer of the two drinks.
   This is a completely incomplete analogy. It says nothing about how close all of our family is, for example. (Simply saying we all live in the fridge is not nearly enough). But, it is enough to give you a basic understanding of my family.

Tribute to a Friend

I finish reading my friend’s creative non-fiction piece and look up. It’s so frustrating: the library is so loud. Her writing had drawn me in to a different world; the sounds around me seem like a rude awakening.

I wait for my other friend to pack up her things. We leave the library and decide to part ways rather than me driving her back to her dorm. I walk outside alone.

As I step into the frozen world, I realize two things. One is that I desperately want to write. In my head I narrate everything I do in her style, emulating the writing voice she has cultivated and made completely her own. She says I do well at editing her papers without interrupting her voice. Though I do not quite understand what she means, it sounds like a good thing. All I know is that her style of writing has commandeered my thinking.

“I passed by a boy on his way into the library. His was wearing shorts. It looked cold. I recognized his face, though you would never have known from watching.”

“As I got to my car it seemed a shame to clear off the snow. But it was more than that: it seemed irreverent.”

I want to write. I haven’t written since last year. I never have time to – or do I just never chose to?

“If I am going to write like her, should I use too many commas and occasionally the wrong homophone?” I know she won’t mind the gentle teasing.

“Should I write in past tense or present?”  I am fairly sure she’ll be honored by the homage I am considering paying by writing a blog post. Maybe I’ll even write it up and then revise it before posting it online for the world to see.

#

(Who am I kidding? I never revise my writing. I realize that three sentences ago would have been a better place to end my section, but it’s too late now. I also relize that one of sentences I just wrote sounds like my pastor. They actually write in a similar style…)

(Maybe I’ll fix my botched ending to the section by making a new section… Yes. Yes, that will do.

Hmmm… I switched writing styles...)

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The other thing I realize is more “am reminded” and less “realize”: I love this moment. Snow had been falling all afternoon, but it must have picked up in the last three hours: there are multiple inches of snow over everything. The silence is calming. The world is so peaceful.

Somewhere someone plays music a little too loudly. I stand still and soaked it up, my rubber and canvas shoes really too flimsy to keep my feet warm. The peace penetrates my soul. This is when I know God. In the night. In the peace.

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(I know I cannot go on writing in only her style. I realize that by inserting this aside, I break the piece, but I have to be honest. I cannot write something this important to me, this deep in my heart, in someone else’s voice. I can pay tribute, but I have to write as I write. It will still sound like my friend, but I will not force myself to write as she does. If it happens, ok, but it cannot direct my writing. Part of it will be like my friend, part of it like me.

(Do I even know how *I* write? I write like whoever I have read most recently writes. Why do I suddenly care so much about writing? What is happening in my thoughts? Is it just too late at night?)

I go back to writing and hope the reader can reenter the story…)

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 I think back to a night not too long ago when I just couldn’t go back to my apartment. It was too peaceful outside. The darkness, cold and stillness touched something so deep in my soul. Instead of turning left to go back to my apartment, I continued straight and went for a walk around the path. I had done this in a week before, but that time it was at two in the morning.

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As I walk, I pray. I pray for my friend who struggles with trials deeper than I know how to understand.

Before I get very far, I stop walking and sit down. I stare up into the sky and just look. Before long, I also stop praying, or so it seems. But this is real prayer. I stare into the sky and just… am. The calm pierces the chaos in my mind. The stress sounds like crashing waves – constant, never ceasing – but the quiet is so loud it drowns the waves out. The paradox is beautiful.

“God. I need You! I am desperate for You!”

I know He hears me. His presence is all around. Even when I cannot feel Him, He is with me.  I think about the peace I feel as I walk alone. I know He keeps me from the enemy: I am His.

Then I see it. A shooting star. It would seem like no big deal to anyone else, outside of the fact that everyone loves a shooting star. But it’s more than that. Not only is it the first one I have ever seen, but it screams the Father’s love to me. He knows how to tell me He loves me.

I am reminded of all the times I have asked Him for something similar: a chipmunk to come close enough for me to touch it, to see a deer on the path through the woods. Every time I had known that He loves me and He is calling me, but I don’t get the “sign” I asked for. This time is different. I had considered asking for something, but knew it was pointless.

The shooting star speaks more to me than anyone will ever understand. I think I am crying. (Sometimes I don’t know if I’m crying or not – it’s not that big of a deal to cry…)

Eventually I get back up and continue my walk. I pray about issues that are on my mind. I dedicate this place and the memories that go with it to the Lord. “God, it’s Yours. You gave me this story and You will use it as You see fit. Have it. Take it.”

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I wish I could describe the peace I feel, the way it bores down into my heart. When I get back to my apartment, I sit in my car to reply to a text. When I hit “send” I realize I don’t want to get out. It’s still. Quiet. Beautiful. The calm pierces the chaos in my mind. The stress I continually feel sounds like crashing waves, but the quiet is so loud it drowns them out. The paradox is beautiful.

It seems like torture to get out of the car. I grab my backpack from the back seat and close the doors. Half way to the building I stop. Do I have to go in? I’m not cold – except for my feet. I should have worn other shoes…

I turn around and watch the snow fall in front of the light. A car pulls in and people get out. They talk and laugh, oblivious to the irreverence I feel they show. Only because I know I cannot stay outside all night, I turn and head inside.

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