So at youth, our leaders have been taking turns the last few weeks sharing their testimonies. It’s really gotten me to think…
I've always thought: “I don’t have a testimony. When I became a Christian, I wasn’t coming from some horrible background. I’ve never done anything horrible. I just…am a Christian…”
I remember the first time I saw that God had worked directly so that something someone else had gone thru, not only could they see why they had had to go thru it for THEM, but we could both see how they had gone thru it so years later, they could help ME.
I’m realizing that maybe I DO have a testimony to share. I DO have things in my life that are amazing. I DO have more than just “I was a baby. I accepted Jesus. I lived. Here I am.” God has done amazing things in me. He has worked, stretched, tried, tested, molded, and is perfecting me in so many ways.
Just because I haven’t had an abortion, been into drugs, been in JuV, or even crashed my parents’ car, skipped school, purposely acted differently around one group of people or another… doesn’t mean I don’t have a story to tell. I do. I even have a story that can touch people.
God, thank you for working in me. Thank you for giving me my own, unique story. Thank you that you’re not finished with me yet.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Not a Failure...
Ok. So this blog sounds all full of myself. Please don’t think that. I am not writing this to boast, to get attention, to say I’m better than anyone else… More I’m writing this for me. This note is for me, to get my thoughts organized, to try to understand what’s been bouncing around in my head… if you wanna take time to read it, that’s fine with me and up to you.
I’m finally learning something: I’m not a failure.
Being brought up in a Christian family, going to church, not going to public school, being only tied to Christian activities my whole life, I’ve always been taught that my purpose in life should be to bring Non-Christians to a saving knowledge of and relationship with Jesus Christ. That I need to have unsaved friends that I can be ministering to. That if I don’t have such friends, I either need to make some, or go up to random people on the playground and talk to them about Jesus. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I haven’t had Non-Christian friends.
I don’t go to school – no Non-Christians there. I work at a “Christian” coffee shop where everyone either Is a Christian, or claims to be/claims Christianity – no Non-Christians there. I pretty much stay home, or go to church events – no Non-Christians there.
Ever since I was pretty young, I’ve felt like I was failing: I didn’t have Non-Christians in my life. I never go even to the park so I can walk up to people and talk to them. I haven’t led anyone to Jesus…hence…I’m a failure, right?
Wrong. I’m not a failure.
I – in the last twelve hours – have finally realized that.
While I don’t have Non-Christian friends, I have friends that I can share Jesus with. While I haven’t led anyone “to the Lord,” I have friends that I have (tried?) to influence to do what He wants.
My ministry may not be to non-believers, but that doesn’t mean I’m not doing what God has for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a ministry. It doesn’t mean that I’m a failure.
I have been led and taught by “evangelists” my whole life. Don’t get me wrong – I fully believe that every Christian is called to be an “evangelist” in that we are to share Jesus with everyone we come across.
When I stop and think about it, it is when I can minister to my Christian friends that I feel most fulfilled and that I feel most… in tune with what God wants for me – what He’s called me to. I love being able to be there for my friends.
I honestly love being in a place where I can treat my friends the way that Love would treat them, not the way a “best friend” would treat them. If you are very close to me, you know I’ll call you out if you’re doing something that is wrong. If you want me to go with you to do something even questionable, you know I won’t do it. While it can be ridiculously hard, I love it more than I can say. I know that while I may lose a friend for now, maybe some day they’ll see that I love them, that I love them enough to risk the short-term to hopefully influence the long-term…
I would rather spend a day broken hearted, heart-wrenched, sobbing, but being there for a friend, listening to their story, knowing that something’s wrong, knowing they trust me enough to share with me than any other way I can think to spend a day. I my friends to know that I love them enough to rather hear what’s wrong and be sad with them than just to hear the good – or be “sheltered from things that may hurt me” or that I may not approve of.
Anyway… I digress…
If you’ve stuck around long enough to read this, I’d love to hear feedback. Email me? Facebook private message me?
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you.
If you would pray for me as I continue to learn to Love my Savior… :) I thank you for that as well. So much.
I’m finally learning something: I’m not a failure.
Being brought up in a Christian family, going to church, not going to public school, being only tied to Christian activities my whole life, I’ve always been taught that my purpose in life should be to bring Non-Christians to a saving knowledge of and relationship with Jesus Christ. That I need to have unsaved friends that I can be ministering to. That if I don’t have such friends, I either need to make some, or go up to random people on the playground and talk to them about Jesus. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I haven’t had Non-Christian friends.
I don’t go to school – no Non-Christians there. I work at a “Christian” coffee shop where everyone either Is a Christian, or claims to be/claims Christianity – no Non-Christians there. I pretty much stay home, or go to church events – no Non-Christians there.
Ever since I was pretty young, I’ve felt like I was failing: I didn’t have Non-Christians in my life. I never go even to the park so I can walk up to people and talk to them. I haven’t led anyone to Jesus…hence…I’m a failure, right?
Wrong. I’m not a failure.
I – in the last twelve hours – have finally realized that.
While I don’t have Non-Christian friends, I have friends that I can share Jesus with. While I haven’t led anyone “to the Lord,” I have friends that I have (tried?) to influence to do what He wants.
My ministry may not be to non-believers, but that doesn’t mean I’m not doing what God has for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a ministry. It doesn’t mean that I’m a failure.
I have been led and taught by “evangelists” my whole life. Don’t get me wrong – I fully believe that every Christian is called to be an “evangelist” in that we are to share Jesus with everyone we come across.
When I stop and think about it, it is when I can minister to my Christian friends that I feel most fulfilled and that I feel most… in tune with what God wants for me – what He’s called me to. I love being able to be there for my friends.
I honestly love being in a place where I can treat my friends the way that Love would treat them, not the way a “best friend” would treat them. If you are very close to me, you know I’ll call you out if you’re doing something that is wrong. If you want me to go with you to do something even questionable, you know I won’t do it. While it can be ridiculously hard, I love it more than I can say. I know that while I may lose a friend for now, maybe some day they’ll see that I love them, that I love them enough to risk the short-term to hopefully influence the long-term…
I would rather spend a day broken hearted, heart-wrenched, sobbing, but being there for a friend, listening to their story, knowing that something’s wrong, knowing they trust me enough to share with me than any other way I can think to spend a day. I my friends to know that I love them enough to rather hear what’s wrong and be sad with them than just to hear the good – or be “sheltered from things that may hurt me” or that I may not approve of.
Anyway… I digress…
If you’ve stuck around long enough to read this, I’d love to hear feedback. Email me? Facebook private message me?
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you.
If you would pray for me as I continue to learn to Love my Savior… :) I thank you for that as well. So much.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Who Am I?
This is something I wrote a while ago and something that I am working on rewriting, but having a tough time with... but here it is.
Who Am I?
I am everyone's cynic; everyone's fun.
I am everyone's laugh; everyone's fuel.
I am everyone's used; everyone's tool.
I am few's confidante; few's friend.
I am few's chauffeur; few's sister.
I am few's companion; few's encouragement.
I am nobodys' princess; nobody's jewel.
I am nobody's precious; nobody's world.
I am nobody's beautiful; nobody's love.
I am who I am; but is it enough??
Go ahead.
I dare you.
Prove me wrong.
Make it from you.
Rewrite it.
But you kno it's true.
Who Am I?
I am everyone's cynic; everyone's fun.
I am everyone's laugh; everyone's fuel.
I am everyone's used; everyone's tool.
I am few's confidante; few's friend.
I am few's chauffeur; few's sister.
I am few's companion; few's encouragement.
I am nobodys' princess; nobody's jewel.
I am nobody's precious; nobody's world.
I am nobody's beautiful; nobody's love.
I am who I am; but is it enough??
Go ahead.
I dare you.
Prove me wrong.
Make it from you.
Rewrite it.
But you kno it's true.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Love
"Welcome to life. Fun fact: LOVE HURTS. (Love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt, and it feels like I'm alive. Also... Love sings.. When it transcends the bad things, have a heart and try me 'cause without love I won't survive.) (Love is what makes everything worth it.)"
I was just thinking about a friend's status....(^)
My friend has a great description of a few sides of Love, but I wonder if we remember there're more sides...
Yes Love hurts. Yes Love is what you need to survive... however...
Love doesn't always hurt. Love can make you feel like you're floating. Love can make you happy beyond elation. When you love, or are loved , you can feel like you're soaring.
Love is what you need to survive, but even if you had NO love from any human, you'd still have more than you could ever need to survive.
Love isn't only a feeling, it's a choice. Love is the HARDEST choice (I'm CONVINCED) anyone will ever face in their life. Love is the choice to do what is best for the other person. Note that it isn’t the choice to do what the other person wants. Sometimes, it’s the exact opposite. Sometimes real love means risking a friendship to make sure the other person is safe or taken care of.
Love is what makes everything worth it, but it's not human love that we're talking... it's God's love that makes everything truly worth it...
Love may be "the slowest form of suicide", but in the end, if we don't love, we end up feeling empty. Our lives are void of any real meaning. We look back over our lives (however long or short) and feel that we've accomplished nothing of value.
Love is such a powerful thing... Have you ever stopped to think about it? I mean, Hatred is strong. Hatred fuels many people. It gives them a sense of meaning in their lives. Plus, humans enjoy and hang onto their hatred. However, love is bigger and stronger. Only love can break down the walls of hate. Only love can give TRUE meaning to a person's life.
Please don't think I'm saying that the sides of love mentioned in this friend's status aren't very real and doesn't affect a huge part of life or anything like that. I just wonder if we remember how much more there is to love. (and I didn't even begin to cover "how much more there is"...)
I’m continually amazed at how our culture devalues the word “love.” I do it myself. I throw the word at nearly all of my girl friends, and some of my guy friends. I throw the word at certain activities, cars, foods, objects, colors, or whatever else. Our culture uses "love" as a title for an action that is supposed to be between two people, who truly love each other and are bonded together in marriage, as if giving it this title makes it ok for other people to do: isn’t everyone supposed to love everyone else? Then I use the same word to describe how I want to feel in a marriage relationship, and again how to describe how God feels about me. This word can’t possibly mean all these things, so why do I use it this way? In some way, I suppose it can mean how I feel about my friends, my future husband, and the way God feels about me (and the way I strive to feel about other people and my Savior)… but I don’t feel the same way about activities, cars, foods, objects, colors, etc. As I think about the word "love," I am ashamed of what I – along with my culture – have done to it. I also desire to get back to the roots of what love means.
Mark 12:30 (New International Version)
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
[When I think about this verse, and realize what it's telling us to do, I can't help but feel guilty. I mean, God loves us sooooo stinkin' much... and he asks for us to love him. But not just love him with a choice, not just love him with an emotion, not just love him with an action... He asks us to love him with EVERY FIBER of our beings. This means our thoughts, our actions, our emotions, our choices, our motives. There's so much more to FULLY loving than we can ever know. ESPECIALLY more than a seventeen year old like me could know or understand...]
John 13:34 (New International Version)
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
[Again, God loves us sooooo much. But now, in this verse, not only is he asking for us to return the afore mentioned love to HIM, but he's also asking us to love EACHOTHER that same way. In my human brain, it makes sense to love God with a love that I cannot comprehend, but to love other humans that way?? You mean I have to love my parents, brother, enemies, friends, BEST friends, friends-turned-not-so-much the same way? wow.]
John 13:35 (New International Version)
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
[What's the one thing that makes us different - truly different - from the rest of the world? I mean, yes the thing is Jesus, but what is the major "side effect" of having Jesus? It's the love we have, the love we show to other people. Think about this: if a non-Christian were to show love that is Completely selfless, love that is complete - from every FIBER of their being - what would we think? would it even be possible? ...I don't think it would. Honestly, I DO NOT think someone who doesn't have Jesus is even capable of such love... and honestly, I'm not even sure someone who DOES have Jesus is actually capable of such love, but we can strive for it, and we can grow ever closer...]
John 14:15 (New International Version)
If you love me, you will obey what I command.
[This one really strikes me... If I love God, then I WILL do what he commands. So, somehow, my actions and what I do or don't do reflect how much I love my Savior. Then, if that's the case... the same carries over to my parents. How I obey (or disobey) my parents is a reflection on how I love them. If I truly love them (this time "them" being my parents OR God) I will WANT to obey them, because I will want to do everything I can to make Them happy, and I will know that obviously obedience will make them much more happy than disobedience, non-obedience, delayed obedience, half-obedience...]
John 15:9 (New International Version)
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.
[“Remain in my love.”…. what does this mean? How does one REMAIN in God's love? I mean, his love is unconditional, so shouldn't we never be able to be outside of it? And yet, there is obviously something here we are supposed to be doing... We are supposed to have God’s love flowing though us. When a sponge is IN water, it has the water in it, surrounding it, flowing through it. Is this what this verse is talking about? I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure that if we’re not IN God’s love, there’s no way that His love will be flowing through us.]
Psalm 36:7 (New International Version)
How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
[God’s love protects us. His love is perfect. The love of a father causes that father to do everything he can to protect his children, but his love is limited by his humanity, his resources are limited by his humanity and situation in life, his power is limited by his resources and by his humanity and situation in life. So... God is our father, and he is All Powerful, Limitless in His love, and has no limits on His “resources.” If a human father would do anything he could for his beloved children and keeps them safe, how much more would our Heavenly Father do the same, and how much more safe would we be there in His love?]
Proverbs 10:12 (New International Version)
Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs.
[Hate is strong. Hate is often considered to be the strongest emotion. But this verse points out that love is stronger. Love makes it so that somehow wrongs are ok… not as in it’s ok for the wrongs to be committed, but it’s ok… the person who committed them is ok.]
Song of Solomon 8:7 (New International Version)
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
[How awesome is this? Love is enduring. Love is strong. Love is steadfast. Love is of so much more value than riches.]
Isaiah 54:10 (New International Version)
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
[Wow. What can I say? God’s love is so unbelievable! All I can do is Praise and Thank him for his love toward me.]
Matthew 5:46 (New International Version)
If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
[‘Nough said? “Even the tax collectors”… Now I don’t claim to be a Bible scholar or anything like that, but from what I understand… This’d be similar to saying “even the politicians” in our culture. As Christians we are supposed to show God’s love, which extends to EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter if a person loves me or not, I’m supposed to love them.]
I was just thinking about a friend's status....(^)
My friend has a great description of a few sides of Love, but I wonder if we remember there're more sides...
Yes Love hurts. Yes Love is what you need to survive... however...
Love doesn't always hurt. Love can make you feel like you're floating. Love can make you happy beyond elation. When you love, or are loved , you can feel like you're soaring.
Love is what you need to survive, but even if you had NO love from any human, you'd still have more than you could ever need to survive.
Love isn't only a feeling, it's a choice. Love is the HARDEST choice (I'm CONVINCED) anyone will ever face in their life. Love is the choice to do what is best for the other person. Note that it isn’t the choice to do what the other person wants. Sometimes, it’s the exact opposite. Sometimes real love means risking a friendship to make sure the other person is safe or taken care of.
Love is what makes everything worth it, but it's not human love that we're talking... it's God's love that makes everything truly worth it...
Love may be "the slowest form of suicide", but in the end, if we don't love, we end up feeling empty. Our lives are void of any real meaning. We look back over our lives (however long or short) and feel that we've accomplished nothing of value.
Love is such a powerful thing... Have you ever stopped to think about it? I mean, Hatred is strong. Hatred fuels many people. It gives them a sense of meaning in their lives. Plus, humans enjoy and hang onto their hatred. However, love is bigger and stronger. Only love can break down the walls of hate. Only love can give TRUE meaning to a person's life.
Please don't think I'm saying that the sides of love mentioned in this friend's status aren't very real and doesn't affect a huge part of life or anything like that. I just wonder if we remember how much more there is to love. (and I didn't even begin to cover "how much more there is"...)
I’m continually amazed at how our culture devalues the word “love.” I do it myself. I throw the word at nearly all of my girl friends, and some of my guy friends. I throw the word at certain activities, cars, foods, objects, colors, or whatever else. Our culture uses "love" as a title for an action that is supposed to be between two people, who truly love each other and are bonded together in marriage, as if giving it this title makes it ok for other people to do: isn’t everyone supposed to love everyone else? Then I use the same word to describe how I want to feel in a marriage relationship, and again how to describe how God feels about me. This word can’t possibly mean all these things, so why do I use it this way? In some way, I suppose it can mean how I feel about my friends, my future husband, and the way God feels about me (and the way I strive to feel about other people and my Savior)… but I don’t feel the same way about activities, cars, foods, objects, colors, etc. As I think about the word "love," I am ashamed of what I – along with my culture – have done to it. I also desire to get back to the roots of what love means.
Mark 12:30 (New International Version)
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.
[When I think about this verse, and realize what it's telling us to do, I can't help but feel guilty. I mean, God loves us sooooo stinkin' much... and he asks for us to love him. But not just love him with a choice, not just love him with an emotion, not just love him with an action... He asks us to love him with EVERY FIBER of our beings. This means our thoughts, our actions, our emotions, our choices, our motives. There's so much more to FULLY loving than we can ever know. ESPECIALLY more than a seventeen year old like me could know or understand...]
John 13:34 (New International Version)
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
[Again, God loves us sooooo much. But now, in this verse, not only is he asking for us to return the afore mentioned love to HIM, but he's also asking us to love EACHOTHER that same way. In my human brain, it makes sense to love God with a love that I cannot comprehend, but to love other humans that way?? You mean I have to love my parents, brother, enemies, friends, BEST friends, friends-turned-not-so-much the same way? wow.]
John 13:35 (New International Version)
By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
[What's the one thing that makes us different - truly different - from the rest of the world? I mean, yes the thing is Jesus, but what is the major "side effect" of having Jesus? It's the love we have, the love we show to other people. Think about this: if a non-Christian were to show love that is Completely selfless, love that is complete - from every FIBER of their being - what would we think? would it even be possible? ...I don't think it would. Honestly, I DO NOT think someone who doesn't have Jesus is even capable of such love... and honestly, I'm not even sure someone who DOES have Jesus is actually capable of such love, but we can strive for it, and we can grow ever closer...]
John 14:15 (New International Version)
If you love me, you will obey what I command.
[This one really strikes me... If I love God, then I WILL do what he commands. So, somehow, my actions and what I do or don't do reflect how much I love my Savior. Then, if that's the case... the same carries over to my parents. How I obey (or disobey) my parents is a reflection on how I love them. If I truly love them (this time "them" being my parents OR God) I will WANT to obey them, because I will want to do everything I can to make Them happy, and I will know that obviously obedience will make them much more happy than disobedience, non-obedience, delayed obedience, half-obedience...]
John 15:9 (New International Version)
As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.
[“Remain in my love.”…. what does this mean? How does one REMAIN in God's love? I mean, his love is unconditional, so shouldn't we never be able to be outside of it? And yet, there is obviously something here we are supposed to be doing... We are supposed to have God’s love flowing though us. When a sponge is IN water, it has the water in it, surrounding it, flowing through it. Is this what this verse is talking about? I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure that if we’re not IN God’s love, there’s no way that His love will be flowing through us.]
Psalm 36:7 (New International Version)
How priceless is your unfailing love!
Both high and low among men
find refuge in the shadow of your wings.
[God’s love protects us. His love is perfect. The love of a father causes that father to do everything he can to protect his children, but his love is limited by his humanity, his resources are limited by his humanity and situation in life, his power is limited by his resources and by his humanity and situation in life. So... God is our father, and he is All Powerful, Limitless in His love, and has no limits on His “resources.” If a human father would do anything he could for his beloved children and keeps them safe, how much more would our Heavenly Father do the same, and how much more safe would we be there in His love?]
Proverbs 10:12 (New International Version)
Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs.
[Hate is strong. Hate is often considered to be the strongest emotion. But this verse points out that love is stronger. Love makes it so that somehow wrongs are ok… not as in it’s ok for the wrongs to be committed, but it’s ok… the person who committed them is ok.]
Song of Solomon 8:7 (New International Version)
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot wash it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of his house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.
[How awesome is this? Love is enduring. Love is strong. Love is steadfast. Love is of so much more value than riches.]
Isaiah 54:10 (New International Version)
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
[Wow. What can I say? God’s love is so unbelievable! All I can do is Praise and Thank him for his love toward me.]
Matthew 5:46 (New International Version)
If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
[‘Nough said? “Even the tax collectors”… Now I don’t claim to be a Bible scholar or anything like that, but from what I understand… This’d be similar to saying “even the politicians” in our culture. As Christians we are supposed to show God’s love, which extends to EVERYONE. It doesn’t matter if a person loves me or not, I’m supposed to love them.]
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