In Those Moments

Sometimes the pain is too much. Sometimes all we are is mad at God. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense.

In those moments, we don't want to worship. We don't want to praise. We know God loves us, but we don't feel it... (or is it that we don't feel like we love Him?) All we have to hold on to are the "knows". Despite it all, we know that God is good. We know that He loves us. We know that He's got it under control. And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
In those moments, we barely hold on by a thread, but we do hang on. He gives us the strength we need. As we run to Him, He draws us in and pours out His goodness, strength, mercy, comfort and love onto us.

Our anger, questions and hurt are not more than He can bear. It's ok. He knows. While we are angry, we know in our heart of hearts that He is good. While we don't understand, we know that He is working in us to make us into the men and women He wants us to be.

Yet, in those moments, we choose to worship and we choose to hold on to His promises. We don't want to, but it's what He has required of us and we know that it is how we will make it. We choose to run to Him in our pain, when we want to run away.

He is good. He is all we need. When we cannot handle it, we choose Him anyway. We run to Him. Not because we can or because we want to, but because we know we must. We know that's the only way we'll make it through. We choose those things which we know.

Awestruck

Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery

As we sang Revelation Song tonight, this verse really struck me. Who among us is actually "awestruck with wonder" simply "at the mention of [Jesus'] name"?? We should be. He is worthy of such awe. Yet here we sit.
We hear people use His name in vain. We as Christians often throw His name around as if it were a magic cure-pill. Does the mention of His name strike us with awe? Are we taken aback (one definition of "taken aback" is "said of a ship, when the wind, suddenly changing, forces the sails aft against the mast.") by the thought of Him?

Jesus is more than we can ever think. I was recently in a conversation with some girls who were raised overseas on the mission field. As they talked, I was struck with the power my God has. They spoke of the spiritual warfare and spiritual movings in their home countries, of people who would discuss good and bad spirits in a place, of the ways parents would use the spiritual world to keep their kids in line... As the continued to relate their experiences, I struggled with fear of what I didn't understand. Of what I knew was real and powerful.
I began praying and I remembered that my God is bigger. The battle is already won. Oh! The POWER that My God has!!!
Yet, how often do we pray that way? Do we not instead say "Oh, God. Could you do this or do that? If it's your will..."? At that point, we proceed to not really expect Him to work. What would our world look like if instead we prayed in the power of the God we claim?? What if we understood that the battle is already won?!

The very NAME of Jesus, of our God, should fill us with awe. It should knock us back, as if the wind had suddenly changed directions!
Have you imagined, lately, what it would be like to walk into God's throne room? I challenge you to re-read the descriptions of the throne room of Heaven in Revelation 4. Stop and take the time to vividly imagine the scene. You wouldn't even be able to stand on your feet.

So let the very NAME of Jesus, of our God, should fill you with awe. It should knock us back, as if the wind had suddenly changed directions! Pray in the POWER that comes in His name. Dwell on those thoughts.
Dwell in Him.

Worship

Worship is a sacrifice ("offer your bodies as living sacrifices...this is your spiritual act of worship", "let us continually offer God a sacrifice of praise").
Worship is a choice. Think of the Psalms. They say things along the lines of "I worship/praise You because You are worthy." It's not "I worship You when I feel like it" or "I worship You only when I feel you near me."

I have often wondered what is meant by a "sacrifice of praise". I just did a short Google search. What I came up with is things like "The sacrifice of praise passage in Hebrews 13 is immediately followed with 'and do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.'" (Here.) Yeah. Great. I don't feel helped. :P
I want to know how praise is a sacrifice. Is it not only because I live in a culture where I won't be persecuted for praising and worshiping my God? There's gotta be more to it.

I'm still not sure what a "sacrifice of praise" is. (Btw. Google ALSO tells me that worship and praise are synonyms for each other. Likewise, it tells me that they are different. I'm still not sure on this point, too. For now, I'm considering it irrelevant.)
But, I think...
I think it starts with choosing to act worshipfully when we don't feel like it. Just as I choose to act lovingly when I don't want to, I choose to worship when I don't want to. The feelings are not far behind.

I thank God for the men and women in my life who are following Him. These people see me in my messed up states and pull me up. The bring me alongside themselves and walk with me towards our Heavenly Father.

Choose this week to act worshipfully. The feelings won't be far behind.


(For the record. I feel like my pastor as I say that.^) :)

Falling in Love with the Ordinary

           This week, the thought that has really stood out to me has been “we need to fall in love with the ordinary”. We talked on Tuesday in Theology II class about how when we do “the next right thing” we are being filled with the Holy Spirit and He is working in our lives. He is in us and so close to us that we cannot recognize Him in ourselves.
            On top of being “blinded” to His work due to His proximity to our lives, He does not come to draw attention to Himself. Of COURSE we struggle to recognize Him! That’s not why He’s here!
            We seek for the sensational. We’re not content with living our daily lives as the Bible teaches us: looking for ways to help people, being humble, living a consistent life… We need to learn to see the Bible as the Word of God. It is our “mountain top” experience! Moses went up on the mountain to hear from God. We can hear from God every day… but we take that for granted.

            Since we have the Word of God, we need to follow it. When I respond to the Words spoken to me, that is a religious encounter. Religious encounters are not marked by racing hearts or sweating hands. A dream is not indicative of a religious encounter. I’m not made to always be on a “Spiritual-adrenaline high”.
            Mow a widow’s yard. Fix the single college girl’s car. Pick up the boot a toddler threw out of her cart and handing it back to her mom. Do the next right thing. Fall in love with the ordinary. Find your fulfillment in following God’s lead in the little things.
            The Bible tells us that “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches?” (Luke 16:10-11, NIV84). I believe we must see the daily “grind” differently. It’s not “have to”, but “get to”. It’s not “just doing the next right thing”, it’s doing what we are called and made to do. It’s learning to be faithful in the small religious encounters so that we are prepared and “worthy” of something more.
            We must fall in love with the ordinary. For there, we learn contentment. We grow. We practice. We prepare. Only then can we experience the glory of the life God has called us to, made us for and prepared uniquely for each one of us.

Season of Relationships

 

"So what is going on apart from these crazy events?"

 

"ummm... dealing with more and other relationships. I feel like this period of my life - starting a week and a half ago - is very relationship oriented. There are healed and healing relationships. There are defined relationships. I am searching for healing, health, support... I'm learning to let go of what relationships WERE and allow them to grow, change, or phase.

and God is very real in my life right now. I'm continually FILLED with His joy! it makes me want to cry and my heart feels too big to fit inside my chest..."

 

     So THAT' ^ is the short version. It's what I wrote to one friend I talked to tonight in a short answer to his question of "what's up?".

     Relationships are crazy things. They can build you up. They can tear you down.

     Here at school I have some of the very best relationships I have ever had in my life. But even as I type these sentences, other relationships that mean the world pop into my head. (Let's just say (since living in an upper-classmen girls' dorm keeps weddings on one's mind) that I'm glad I'm not planning a wedding - I'd want about 20 bridesmaids and would have another 5 groomsmen already picked out!)

     Starting last semester and then continuing on to this semester, there has been a relationship that has been heading downhill in my life. This relationship meant the world to me last semester but I was ready to just forget about it, and never deal with it again after these next few months of school.
     But then one day all kinds of things went wrong and life was too hard to handle. I went to one of my best friends on campus who always draws me to Christ. I burst into tears as she answered her door. I shared with her everything that was in my heart - all the pains that had come to a point that day, including how this "friend" had done one more thing that pushed me away.
     After a long time of discussion, comfort and prayer, she approached the topic. She told me straight up that I was placed in this relationship for a reason and that I should not let it go. It had meant so much to me and I didn't want to let it end on such a bad note (something I knew from past relationships, but didn't want to admit).
     The next evening, I was talking to my suitemate. This relationship came up again. She told me that she didn't see any reason why it could not be healed. She said I should consider being the one to approach it, because it seemed that the other person was not going to.
     THEN... I went to church the next morning. It was a communion Sunday. All the times I have heard the "If you come to communion and remember that someone has something against you, you shouldn't take communion until you have fixed the issue with them" and the "search your heart to see if you are right with God" and so on came rushing into my thoughts. I gave up.
     "O.K., God! I got it. I will be the one who approaches this situation, who takes the first step! I've heard you..."
     Then came the sermon. It was over things that keep us from following Christ - especially relationships gone sour.
     "...right. OK! I heard you the third time! THANKS GOD!"
     Alright. So I was getting a little frustrated. But as soon as the service was done, I found the first friend I had talked to. I told her that I would talk to my "friend" and that I was giving her permission to keep me accountable. She cried. Cried. She was so happy that God had moved.
     So... long story a little shorter... I talked to my friend. It had been a long string of miscommunications on both sides that had caused pain on both sides. Both of us were hurt. Both of us were ready to restore the situation.

 

     The next weekend rolls around.
     I had been dealing with some intense friend issues regarding who I spend my time with and who gets how much time. It had been hard. Also during the week, I had been blessed to have my bestie -> my brother -> up here to see me. Another relationship that had needed attention (just because we're apart).
     Evensong rolled around. I didn't want to go to Evensong: I was in the middle of a really good discussion with a really close friend. We were talking about hard stuff and I didn't want to leave. But I had made a promise to two other friends that I would go to Evensong. (Evensong is Sunday night, all worship chapel here at CU.) I sought to prepare to meet God as I walked to chapel.
     Right before the service started, I saw the other person with whom I also had a broken relationship across the room. It had happened before that I saw them before Evensong and it always meant I was unable to focus on (much less feel or otherwise experience) God on those nights. I visibly reacted to seeing this person a row over.
     One of the two people I had promised to attend with noticed. He prayed with me. The music started and he whispered during the first song "listen to this as God's love song to you. Because it is. He's speaking to you." The words of that song could never have meant more to me. God loved me.
     As the evening progressed, God continued to speak to me. He spoke to me of all He had done for me, of His love for me, and that I had no reason to fear. I have rarely felt God so real. As we worshipped Him in community that night, I felt I would burst! God deserves so much more than I could give. I sang at the top of my lungs, but it wasn't enough. I reached for God, but could not reach far enough. I could not contain my Love and my Joy for Him.
     As the night continued, I felt that I was supposed to go talk to the person with whom I had a broken relationship. I was scared. What if I was hurt again? What if I attacked them with my words and made the whole thing worse?
     The last song, the last lines: "I'm leaving my fears behind me now. The old has gone, the new has come. What you complete is completely done. We're heirs with Christ, the victory won. What you complete is completely done.".
     That did it. I had to go. I was scared, but it was God's. I went and He healed the hurt. Sure, I had more to deal with after leaving that chapel, but God had provided two very dear friends who were there to support me as I processed and dealt with the past.

     So now I'm in this mode. I can't explain it. But I'm sick of hurting relationships. I talked to yet another friend tonight because I thought we were friends, but after the last interaction I had with this person, I was afraid they thought I specifically disliked them. I am not about to do down that path again. One more relationship saved because Christ is working in me and those around me.
     I had two very real discussions with two very dear friends tonight. I have more coming this week. I cannot count the number of people in my life who bless me every time I see them.

     So here I am. I'm overflowing with Joy. Blessed beyond anything I can say.
     But if I could label this time, I would label this the "Season of Relationships". I have a group of friends who embraces my "4-ness" when I act like a kid. They support me. I can ALWAYS find them. Members of this group who I have never seriously or specifically talked to come up to me to give me a hug and tell me they love me.
     God has given me again a set of friends who touch a part of my heart that had been so lonely for two years.

     I have been given more friends than I could ever hope for. I have been given more Joy than I can ever express. My heart is overflowing. It is too big to fit in my chest. It's exploding out of me and I don't know how I will handle it.
     I have received blessing. I have "the favor of Deity."

Philosophy

Is pain good, or is God's good so good and so pervasive that it uses all things for good?

Existing is better than not existing.
If you were to imagine the greatest being possible, but it did not exist, then by definition it would not be the greatest being possible. God MUST exist because God is all good and existing is better than not existing.

Which is more real? The concept of the chair, or the chair?

God is pure good. God is pure glory. God is pure justice. God is pure might. ... I was asked tonight whether, when it comes down to it, I follow God for His might and glory? or if I follow Him because He is good.
"If, somehow, you could see heaven and the devil was there, and God was in Hell, would you follow God (because He is good)?" (This leaves out the debate as to what "heaven" and "hell" are - are they places? Or are they the complete presence or absence of God?)
[I think, by the way, that the answer I am coming up with is that I follow Him because He is ALL of them. While I can't wrap my brain around it (due to my humanity (gasp, right?! ;P )), I don't have to choose which of those attributes is why I ultimately follow Him. His goodness CAN'T be separated from His love which CAN'T be separated from His justice which CAN'T be separated from His glory. He is, by definition, all of all of them (and so many more) all the time, at the sametime, and they are not mutually exclusive. Why must I force God into a box of what I can understand in my humanity? Why can't I choose to accept the understanding that I cannot understand God and move forward?]



It is all philosophical discussion. My night included (along with general fun and awesomeness) one of the most intense philosophical discussions I have ever had.
I know at least one person in the room was frustrated because "it doesn't ultimately matter." No, it does not ultimately matter why we follow God, but that we follow God. Yes, you can live your life running hard after God without mulling over and debating the philosophical issues.

But.

There in intrigue in philosophy. There is beauty in philosophy.
And more importantly, God reveals Himself to people whose minds work like mine through things like philosophy.
My brain hurts. I honestly kind of feel like it's exploding. And through that, God is drawing me to Himself: His greatness and His ultimate-ness are an aspect of why I love Him and what draws me to Him. The fact that I cannot understand and that all the philosophers of our age, the ages before, and the ages to come cannot explain or understand it all... it serves to point me to God. There MUST be something over it. It cannot be without something that comprehends it. People believe evolution because they can wrap their minds around it. Therefore, it "exits" in their worlds. Chairs exist in our world because we can wrap our minds around them. Orthopedic knees exist in our world because we can wrap our minds around them. In our world because we understand.
So if we cannot understand, we must be part of a greater existance which does understand.


When my brain is exploding, it shows me the God I serve. His power and wisdom are put on display for me to stand in awe.
I worship Him because He makes sense of my world.
I worship Him because He makes a world of which I cannot make sense.

Creativity

So this is an assignment I just did today and turned in for one of my classes... but it was nearly making me cry as I wrote it... so I thought I'd post it. :)

Why should I be creative? This is a question that every student of creativity does or should ask. There is no point in studying something if I do not know how it will benefit my life. So what is the point? The point is that God created me to be me as part of a bigger world.

God created. My goal in life is to become more like my God and Father. When God made me in His image, that means that He instilled in me the ability to create. He gave me the ability to make beauty out of chaos. So since my goal is to become more like Him, how can I not practice the gift He gave me of creativity? I choose creativity because it reflects my Creator– Father God.

God created me to be me. God did not make me someone else. When God put my specific set of talents and dreams together into the person that is me, He did so for a reason and He did not make me as a repeat of someone else or someone else as a repeat of me. This means that I am unique. I am special. Without me, there would be a gap in God’s created world; He made me to fill that hole. I am to use my creative endeavors and my ability to be different or think in a different light to serve His purposes. I choose creativity because my Creator made me to fill a specific purpose.

God created me to be me as part of a bigger world. News flash: there are more people than just me in this world! When God created me to be unique, He also created all of the other people in His world to be unique. My giftings are not only particular to me, and they not only fill a special place, but that place touches specific lives. By using my creative and unique abilities, I can touch the other lives in the corner of the world where He put me. I choose creativity because embracing it through my abilities can change my corner of the world for Him.

As I pursue a life which will embrace who God made me to be, it will include being creative in my everyday life. While my everyday life may not always include taking photos or pouring Latte Art, it will include opportunities for me to search out the best way for me to go about a specific task or fulfilling a specific need. My perspective will be different than the girl’s next door. This is the meaning of creativity and this is why I need to be creative: because God created me to be me as part of a bigger world.