Have you ever just sat and cried because you Wanted God?

SO....
I'm seventeen. I'm graduated from high school... What ELSE would I be spending my time doing but applying to colleges??
NEway...

Today I've been working on "making choices for the rest of my life..." aka looking at, applying to and scheduling visits to colleges, weighing other options for the coming year OTHER than college, etc.

As I was applying to one of the colleges, they have the "write an essay for each of these two questions" section. One of the questions was: Describe how you would like to see your faith grow during your college years.
As I answered this question, I found that it really is an important question to know the answer to, regardless of where I go to college, if I go to college, or what part of my life I'm in.

Here I'll share my answer to this question. (Although I guess it's not so much a QUESTION seeing as there's no "?" in it!! :P)

During my college years, I am hoping and praying that my relationship with Christ will bloom and grow as it never has before. I understand that college (no matter WHAT college I choose, or what denomination that college is or isn’t affiliated with) will not MAKE this happen, but it can significantly impact my growth.
I hope to grow more in love with Christ ‘til I can’t go a day without spending time in his presence and ‘til I long for it like nothing else. I want to become so enraptured with His beauty that it fills my soul. I want to fully understand His love for me until it completely overrides all my desires for human love and acceptance, or worth found in mankind.
I desire to have the kind of relationship with Christ that radiates His love to those around me. I want to stand out in a crowd as someone who is different on the inside and point others to Christ thru my daily life.
So, in summary… I want to grow in my personal relationship with the Lord, I want to increase my “practical application” type time with the Lord (things like prayer and reading my Bible), and I want to have the evidence of my relationship with the Lord grow until it can’t help but be noticed.

Trading My Sorrows!

I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness
I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

And we say yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord
Yes Lord yes Lord yes yes Lord Amen

I'm pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I'm blessed beyond the curse for his promise will endure
And his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning




We sang this song again tonight at youth group: it's one of our favorites both to play as a worship team, and to sing as a youth group.
This song is CRAZY fun... If you haven't heard it... wow, first of all. (Listen! http://free.napster.com/player/?play_id=18814736&type=track ) We love that this song is upbeat. We jump, dance, spin, sing as loud as we can. My one youth leader acts it out and just does anything crazy he can to make those leading laugh... but, do we ever stop to think about this song?

I AM laying down my sorrows... I AM laying down my shame... I AM laying down my sickness... I AM laying down my pain... I'm trading them for the JOY of the LORD!! We don't need to hang on to them. In our goofed up human-ness, we hang on to our sorrow and our pain. We find some sort of comfort and identity in it. But why?? The JOY of the Lord is soo much better! Why do I hang on to my sorrow? We've all experienced Joy at some point - the beginning of spring may bring it, I'm told that having a child brings it; maybe it's a gorgeous day in the sun listening to the birds sing that brings joy - there's no better feeling! Laying down our sorrows, shame, sickness and pain is a choice. God freely offers us His joy, but we have to choose it. I must chose to let His joy reign in me and not let the other define me or drag me down. I must focus on the good.

We say YES LORD YES LORD YES YES LORD!!! Am I truly saying "Yes Lord!"? Am I truly accepting the Joy He has stored up for me? Am I listening to His calls for me to give up those things I hang on to? Have I made the choice?

I am pressed, but I AM NOT crushed! I am persecuted, but I AM NOT abandoned! I am struck down but I AM NOT destroyed! Bad things happen to me, but My God and His Strength and Joy are bigger, stronger and better! He sustains and protects me. I cannot experience anything so that he couldn't or wouldn't protect me. He loves me.
I am BLESSED BEYOND the curse. No matter WHAT happens to me, HIS blessings are FAR greater than any negative that will happen to me!
His Promise WILL endure! He PROMISES to love, protect, cherish, bless, and sustain me. He promises his Strength and Joy. This promise is forever: it will not end, it will not run out.
The sorrow may last for tonight, but with the morning comes HIS joy!!

Oh God...

How am I supposed to ...

God, you love her so much. She hasn't let you down.
She says she drags everyone down and makes them miserable. She says she's failed You too many times. She says when she tries to talk to You, she feels like she's talking to air. She doesn't understand MY love, how could she understand Yours?
She wants me to fix it. She wants me to tell her what to do.
She says she's lost. She says she "just doesn't know what to do any more." She says she doesn't want to die, but it's all she thinks about anymore. She says she's never wanted to cut more...
Thank you for giving her little children who look up to her so she won't. Thank you that you stopped her from taking more pills. Thank you for protecting her and letting us help.

Oh God!
Give me strength. Give me love. Give me wisdom.
How am I supposed to...
God, I am innadequate. I cannot love her. I cannot show her she matters. I cannot show her that her life has meaning.

She's not a drag. She's not unlovable. She hasn't let you down too many times. She's not just talking to air. She's not alone. She's not beyond your reach.

Oh God!
You love her so much.
Is your heart rending in two like mine? Is it racked with pain? Tears stream down your face...
Will you sleep tonight? Can you breathe?

When we cried together, you cried to. When I could not stand, you held me up.

God, give me words to speak. Shine through me. Let me be your arms and feet. Show her your heart.

Oh God!

How am I supposed to....

One Day

As I sat in church today listening to the works of “Better is One Day,” a thought struck me…

You know that feeling after you’ve been with your best friend, your family, mentor, etc, when you’ve had an absolutely amazing time? Your heart is full to overflowing with fun, love, joy, and encouragement. At the end of the day, all you want is another day of the same. You long for it… Yet, at the same time, you know that you can go on. You’re full. Even just one day will carry you.

This is how our “one better day” with God is. We enter God’s presence and spend time with him. At the end of our time with God, we are full to overflowing with joy, fun, pleasure, love, encouragement. When we leave, all we want is more of the same, another chunk of time with God. And yet, we can carry on. This one day (or hour, church service, song on the radio, whatever it may be) will carry us. We don’t long for more time any less, but we know we will be ok.

Better is ONE DAY in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere!!!


Better Is One Day
How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
For my soul doth long
And even faint
For You
Oh, here my heart
Is satisfied
Within Your presence
I see beneath
The shadow of
Your wings

Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere (x2)

One thing I ask,
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells (x2)


Better is one day in Your courts
Better is one day in Your house
Better is one day in Your courts
Than thousands elsewhere (x4)


My heart and flesh cry out
For You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You
I will draw near to You
To You

Better is one day
Better is one day
Better is one day
Than thousands elsewhere (x2)

Testimonial Thoughts

So at youth, our leaders have been taking turns the last few weeks sharing their testimonies. It’s really gotten me to think…

I've always thought: “I don’t have a testimony. When I became a Christian, I wasn’t coming from some horrible background. I’ve never done anything horrible. I just…am a Christian…”
I remember the first time I saw that God had worked directly so that something someone else had gone thru, not only could they see why they had had to go thru it for THEM, but we could both see how they had gone thru it so years later, they could help ME.
I’m realizing that maybe I DO have a testimony to share. I DO have things in my life that are amazing. I DO have more than just “I was a baby. I accepted Jesus. I lived. Here I am.” God has done amazing things in me. He has worked, stretched, tried, tested, molded, and is perfecting me in so many ways.

Just because I haven’t had an abortion, been into drugs, been in JuV, or even crashed my parents’ car, skipped school, purposely acted differently around one group of people or another… doesn’t mean I don’t have a story to tell. I do. I even have a story that can touch people.

God, thank you for working in me. Thank you for giving me my own, unique story. Thank you that you’re not finished with me yet.

Not a Failure...

Ok. So this blog sounds all full of myself. Please don’t think that. I am not writing this to boast, to get attention, to say I’m better than anyone else… More I’m writing this for me. This note is for me, to get my thoughts organized, to try to understand what’s been bouncing around in my head… if you wanna take time to read it, that’s fine with me and up to you.




I’m finally learning something: I’m not a failure.

Being brought up in a Christian family, going to church, not going to public school, being only tied to Christian activities my whole life, I’ve always been taught that my purpose in life should be to bring Non-Christians to a saving knowledge of and relationship with Jesus Christ. That I need to have unsaved friends that I can be ministering to. That if I don’t have such friends, I either need to make some, or go up to random people on the playground and talk to them about Jesus. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I haven’t had Non-Christian friends.
I don’t go to school – no Non-Christians there. I work at a “Christian” coffee shop where everyone either Is a Christian, or claims to be/claims Christianity – no Non-Christians there. I pretty much stay home, or go to church events – no Non-Christians there.

Ever since I was pretty young, I’ve felt like I was failing: I didn’t have Non-Christians in my life. I never go even to the park so I can walk up to people and talk to them. I haven’t led anyone to Jesus…hence…I’m a failure, right?

Wrong. I’m not a failure.

I – in the last twelve hours – have finally realized that.
While I don’t have Non-Christian friends, I have friends that I can share Jesus with. While I haven’t led anyone “to the Lord,” I have friends that I have (tried?) to influence to do what He wants.
My ministry may not be to non-believers, but that doesn’t mean I’m not doing what God has for me. It doesn’t mean I don’t have a ministry. It doesn’t mean that I’m a failure.

I have been led and taught by “evangelists” my whole life. Don’t get me wrong – I fully believe that every Christian is called to be an “evangelist” in that we are to share Jesus with everyone we come across.

When I stop and think about it, it is when I can minister to my Christian friends that I feel most fulfilled and that I feel most… in tune with what God wants for me – what He’s called me to. I love being able to be there for my friends.
I honestly love being in a place where I can treat my friends the way that Love would treat them, not the way a “best friend” would treat them. If you are very close to me, you know I’ll call you out if you’re doing something that is wrong. If you want me to go with you to do something even questionable, you know I won’t do it. While it can be ridiculously hard, I love it more than I can say. I know that while I may lose a friend for now, maybe some day they’ll see that I love them, that I love them enough to risk the short-term to hopefully influence the long-term…
I would rather spend a day broken hearted, heart-wrenched, sobbing, but being there for a friend, listening to their story, knowing that something’s wrong, knowing they trust me enough to share with me than any other way I can think to spend a day. I my friends to know that I love them enough to rather hear what’s wrong and be sad with them than just to hear the good – or be “sheltered from things that may hurt me” or that I may not approve of.

Anyway… I digress…
If you’ve stuck around long enough to read this, I’d love to hear feedback. Email me? Facebook private message me?
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for letting me love you.
If you would pray for me as I continue to learn to Love my Savior… :) I thank you for that as well. So much.