Season of Relationships

 

"So what is going on apart from these crazy events?"

 

"ummm... dealing with more and other relationships. I feel like this period of my life - starting a week and a half ago - is very relationship oriented. There are healed and healing relationships. There are defined relationships. I am searching for healing, health, support... I'm learning to let go of what relationships WERE and allow them to grow, change, or phase.

and God is very real in my life right now. I'm continually FILLED with His joy! it makes me want to cry and my heart feels too big to fit inside my chest..."

 

     So THAT' ^ is the short version. It's what I wrote to one friend I talked to tonight in a short answer to his question of "what's up?".

     Relationships are crazy things. They can build you up. They can tear you down.

     Here at school I have some of the very best relationships I have ever had in my life. But even as I type these sentences, other relationships that mean the world pop into my head. (Let's just say (since living in an upper-classmen girls' dorm keeps weddings on one's mind) that I'm glad I'm not planning a wedding - I'd want about 20 bridesmaids and would have another 5 groomsmen already picked out!)

     Starting last semester and then continuing on to this semester, there has been a relationship that has been heading downhill in my life. This relationship meant the world to me last semester but I was ready to just forget about it, and never deal with it again after these next few months of school.
     But then one day all kinds of things went wrong and life was too hard to handle. I went to one of my best friends on campus who always draws me to Christ. I burst into tears as she answered her door. I shared with her everything that was in my heart - all the pains that had come to a point that day, including how this "friend" had done one more thing that pushed me away.
     After a long time of discussion, comfort and prayer, she approached the topic. She told me straight up that I was placed in this relationship for a reason and that I should not let it go. It had meant so much to me and I didn't want to let it end on such a bad note (something I knew from past relationships, but didn't want to admit).
     The next evening, I was talking to my suitemate. This relationship came up again. She told me that she didn't see any reason why it could not be healed. She said I should consider being the one to approach it, because it seemed that the other person was not going to.
     THEN... I went to church the next morning. It was a communion Sunday. All the times I have heard the "If you come to communion and remember that someone has something against you, you shouldn't take communion until you have fixed the issue with them" and the "search your heart to see if you are right with God" and so on came rushing into my thoughts. I gave up.
     "O.K., God! I got it. I will be the one who approaches this situation, who takes the first step! I've heard you..."
     Then came the sermon. It was over things that keep us from following Christ - especially relationships gone sour.
     "...right. OK! I heard you the third time! THANKS GOD!"
     Alright. So I was getting a little frustrated. But as soon as the service was done, I found the first friend I had talked to. I told her that I would talk to my "friend" and that I was giving her permission to keep me accountable. She cried. Cried. She was so happy that God had moved.
     So... long story a little shorter... I talked to my friend. It had been a long string of miscommunications on both sides that had caused pain on both sides. Both of us were hurt. Both of us were ready to restore the situation.

 

     The next weekend rolls around.
     I had been dealing with some intense friend issues regarding who I spend my time with and who gets how much time. It had been hard. Also during the week, I had been blessed to have my bestie -> my brother -> up here to see me. Another relationship that had needed attention (just because we're apart).
     Evensong rolled around. I didn't want to go to Evensong: I was in the middle of a really good discussion with a really close friend. We were talking about hard stuff and I didn't want to leave. But I had made a promise to two other friends that I would go to Evensong. (Evensong is Sunday night, all worship chapel here at CU.) I sought to prepare to meet God as I walked to chapel.
     Right before the service started, I saw the other person with whom I also had a broken relationship across the room. It had happened before that I saw them before Evensong and it always meant I was unable to focus on (much less feel or otherwise experience) God on those nights. I visibly reacted to seeing this person a row over.
     One of the two people I had promised to attend with noticed. He prayed with me. The music started and he whispered during the first song "listen to this as God's love song to you. Because it is. He's speaking to you." The words of that song could never have meant more to me. God loved me.
     As the evening progressed, God continued to speak to me. He spoke to me of all He had done for me, of His love for me, and that I had no reason to fear. I have rarely felt God so real. As we worshipped Him in community that night, I felt I would burst! God deserves so much more than I could give. I sang at the top of my lungs, but it wasn't enough. I reached for God, but could not reach far enough. I could not contain my Love and my Joy for Him.
     As the night continued, I felt that I was supposed to go talk to the person with whom I had a broken relationship. I was scared. What if I was hurt again? What if I attacked them with my words and made the whole thing worse?
     The last song, the last lines: "I'm leaving my fears behind me now. The old has gone, the new has come. What you complete is completely done. We're heirs with Christ, the victory won. What you complete is completely done.".
     That did it. I had to go. I was scared, but it was God's. I went and He healed the hurt. Sure, I had more to deal with after leaving that chapel, but God had provided two very dear friends who were there to support me as I processed and dealt with the past.

     So now I'm in this mode. I can't explain it. But I'm sick of hurting relationships. I talked to yet another friend tonight because I thought we were friends, but after the last interaction I had with this person, I was afraid they thought I specifically disliked them. I am not about to do down that path again. One more relationship saved because Christ is working in me and those around me.
     I had two very real discussions with two very dear friends tonight. I have more coming this week. I cannot count the number of people in my life who bless me every time I see them.

     So here I am. I'm overflowing with Joy. Blessed beyond anything I can say.
     But if I could label this time, I would label this the "Season of Relationships". I have a group of friends who embraces my "4-ness" when I act like a kid. They support me. I can ALWAYS find them. Members of this group who I have never seriously or specifically talked to come up to me to give me a hug and tell me they love me.
     God has given me again a set of friends who touch a part of my heart that had been so lonely for two years.

     I have been given more friends than I could ever hope for. I have been given more Joy than I can ever express. My heart is overflowing. It is too big to fit in my chest. It's exploding out of me and I don't know how I will handle it.
     I have received blessing. I have "the favor of Deity."

Philosophy

Is pain good, or is God's good so good and so pervasive that it uses all things for good?

Existing is better than not existing.
If you were to imagine the greatest being possible, but it did not exist, then by definition it would not be the greatest being possible. God MUST exist because God is all good and existing is better than not existing.

Which is more real? The concept of the chair, or the chair?

God is pure good. God is pure glory. God is pure justice. God is pure might. ... I was asked tonight whether, when it comes down to it, I follow God for His might and glory? or if I follow Him because He is good.
"If, somehow, you could see heaven and the devil was there, and God was in Hell, would you follow God (because He is good)?" (This leaves out the debate as to what "heaven" and "hell" are - are they places? Or are they the complete presence or absence of God?)
[I think, by the way, that the answer I am coming up with is that I follow Him because He is ALL of them. While I can't wrap my brain around it (due to my humanity (gasp, right?! ;P )), I don't have to choose which of those attributes is why I ultimately follow Him. His goodness CAN'T be separated from His love which CAN'T be separated from His justice which CAN'T be separated from His glory. He is, by definition, all of all of them (and so many more) all the time, at the sametime, and they are not mutually exclusive. Why must I force God into a box of what I can understand in my humanity? Why can't I choose to accept the understanding that I cannot understand God and move forward?]



It is all philosophical discussion. My night included (along with general fun and awesomeness) one of the most intense philosophical discussions I have ever had.
I know at least one person in the room was frustrated because "it doesn't ultimately matter." No, it does not ultimately matter why we follow God, but that we follow God. Yes, you can live your life running hard after God without mulling over and debating the philosophical issues.

But.

There in intrigue in philosophy. There is beauty in philosophy.
And more importantly, God reveals Himself to people whose minds work like mine through things like philosophy.
My brain hurts. I honestly kind of feel like it's exploding. And through that, God is drawing me to Himself: His greatness and His ultimate-ness are an aspect of why I love Him and what draws me to Him. The fact that I cannot understand and that all the philosophers of our age, the ages before, and the ages to come cannot explain or understand it all... it serves to point me to God. There MUST be something over it. It cannot be without something that comprehends it. People believe evolution because they can wrap their minds around it. Therefore, it "exits" in their worlds. Chairs exist in our world because we can wrap our minds around them. Orthopedic knees exist in our world because we can wrap our minds around them. In our world because we understand.
So if we cannot understand, we must be part of a greater existance which does understand.


When my brain is exploding, it shows me the God I serve. His power and wisdom are put on display for me to stand in awe.
I worship Him because He makes sense of my world.
I worship Him because He makes a world of which I cannot make sense.

Creativity

So this is an assignment I just did today and turned in for one of my classes... but it was nearly making me cry as I wrote it... so I thought I'd post it. :)

Why should I be creative? This is a question that every student of creativity does or should ask. There is no point in studying something if I do not know how it will benefit my life. So what is the point? The point is that God created me to be me as part of a bigger world.

God created. My goal in life is to become more like my God and Father. When God made me in His image, that means that He instilled in me the ability to create. He gave me the ability to make beauty out of chaos. So since my goal is to become more like Him, how can I not practice the gift He gave me of creativity? I choose creativity because it reflects my Creator– Father God.

God created me to be me. God did not make me someone else. When God put my specific set of talents and dreams together into the person that is me, He did so for a reason and He did not make me as a repeat of someone else or someone else as a repeat of me. This means that I am unique. I am special. Without me, there would be a gap in God’s created world; He made me to fill that hole. I am to use my creative endeavors and my ability to be different or think in a different light to serve His purposes. I choose creativity because my Creator made me to fill a specific purpose.

God created me to be me as part of a bigger world. News flash: there are more people than just me in this world! When God created me to be unique, He also created all of the other people in His world to be unique. My giftings are not only particular to me, and they not only fill a special place, but that place touches specific lives. By using my creative and unique abilities, I can touch the other lives in the corner of the world where He put me. I choose creativity because embracing it through my abilities can change my corner of the world for Him.

As I pursue a life which will embrace who God made me to be, it will include being creative in my everyday life. While my everyday life may not always include taking photos or pouring Latte Art, it will include opportunities for me to search out the best way for me to go about a specific task or fulfilling a specific need. My perspective will be different than the girl’s next door. This is the meaning of creativity and this is why I need to be creative: because God created me to be me as part of a bigger world.

 

Power of a Prayer

I don't know if you knew it, but I am incredibly blessed. Last year, I came to school and met two new friends who lived in my dorm room. I have never met such beautiful, encouraging, sweet, Godly girls. One of them, in particular, ministered to me simply because she loved me. She was sweet, incredibly sarcastic and ridiculous, and would even holler out the window at the moon every night. She brought such a positive energy to the room. My other roommate, in particular, challenged me to dig for what I believe, showed me that I'm not too young to stand up for what I believe, courageously faced the difficult questions with me.
In my room, there was never a fight. We never had so much as a disagreement. We had more laughs and love than in any other period of time in my life up to that point. Before I came to college, I was told that rooming would be hard, that I would not have roommates who I could get along with.
But my mom prayed. The moms of both of my roommates prayed. They prayed for a year before we came, specifically about our room. I've never heard of another room like ours. Their prayers were answered.

This year, my RA and I meet regularly for times of encouragement and prayer. That woman has more passion to reach her world than I have seen in a long time. Last year we were in a small prayer group together with two other ladies pursuing Christ. Every week, my heart was touched. One week, in particular, they spoke truth into my life and told me that I would get through the trials and I would emerge triumphant, because of Christ. They prayed for me. I left that night leaving the weight of my world at the foot of the Cross. This year, we continue to meet. She speaks truth into my life and every day that I beg my Father to touch my hurting heart, she writes me a note telling me that I matter or she finds me on campus and gives me the biggest hug I'll get all week.

Tonight, I was meeting new friends in the suite across from me. We got to discussing real-life issues like slavery and sex trafficking. When the night was ending and we were all headed back to our rooms, someone said simply "hey. We've been discussing some hard things. Can we pray before we all go?"
So we stopped. We prayed.
More than one of us was in tears. We pleaded, we implored. We waged a war against the enemy and against the forces of darkness.

What do we know of the power of a prayer!? My GOD and my ABBA FATHER is the ALL-POWERFUL Creator of the UNIVERSE!
He answers my prayers for little things. He speaks truth into my life when I am hurting and half-mindedly utter a prayer asking for assurance. When five of us gather together, in one voice, in one accord, what do we know of the power we unleash??

If we truly began to understand the power we can access, how would our world change? What could we accomplish? How many lives would change?

What do we know of the power of a prayer?!

Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Give me Your eyes to see.


These are my prayers every day.
God breaks my heart... but never like anyone else's I know.
People around me talk about how God's broken their heart for the unreached, unbelieving people of the world. This is God's heart. I always hear that THIS is what God wants from His people.

I've known for a long time that's not where my heart is. Don't get me wrong (as people generally do) I want people to come to Christ - it's the most important thing in life!
But my biggest passion?
My passion is for those who are "Saved". They are unreachable because they think they've already got it. They go to church, so they're set. Don't tell them they're not following Christ.

Yes. The Great Commission says "Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations..." (Matthew 28:19, NIV). BUT!!! It does not merely ask that we bring people to a knowledge and acceptance of Christ. It commands us to make disciples. Making Disciples is bigger than converts. It's nurturing and growing people once they're "in the fold."

So. God's heart is obviously (seeing as it's His command to us) not only to bring people to a saving knowledge of Him, but it's also then to continually bring them closer and to not abandon them at the steps of the church in the name of going out to find more to bring to the church.

God's heart breaks for those who don't know Him.
I say God's heart also breaks for those who don't know Him.

My heart is broken for what many other peoples' hearts are not broken for. My heart is broken for what many do not understand.

When I pray "Break my heart for what breaks Yours," I believe that God breaks different peoples' hearts differently. No one person experiences the fullness of God's pain. Another person says God's heart is for the unreached. I say it's for those who don't grasp the fullness of God.
They aren't mutually exclusive. God's heart is for both.
God doesn't give all of His desire/pain to any one person because in our human-ness, we could not handle it.
I believe that God's pain and God's desire for each person is so intense that it would literally and physically break us. God in His graciousness doesn't give us what we ask for. Instead, He gives us a taste of His heart or His "eyes".

Father, Thank You that You don't break my heart with the enormity of what breaks Yours. Thank You that instead You show me what You want from me.
I praise Your caring omnipotence.

Past's Future, Future's Past

I just saw a picture. It was of a Latte Art competition.
Not too long ago a friend told me that it was more exciting that I was going to college than that he was going to college. "Because [I] didn't think [I]'d ever have this opportunity."
Four years ago, I started attending Lakeland Christian Accademy.
I traveled alone to Asia, pursuing a dream - which I didn't even realize til about the time I left.
In barely over a month, I shall be leaving my home, off on my own.

In the past, I never would have seen coming that past's future, which God had planned for me. In my future's past, what did I not see coming in that future?

God, may I truely and readily submit my pasts, futures, presents and dreams to You. Your plans for me are for my good and prosperity, not my harm. Your plans give me Hope.