Growing Up...(though some would point out: not literally...) :P :)

SO! Driving down to the pool store: Elmo flying out the window (holding his hand), a teddy bear buckled into the carseat behind me, and a duck each on the antenna and dashboard... YES this is how I celebrate my last day as a child, NO it won't change tomorrow when I'm an "adult"... Welcome to Brittany!! :D :D :D


Yepp. I turn 18 tomorrow... I'm pretty excited, not gonna lie.
Now, I know that it's not some magical day where my life completely changes, and I no longer have any parental authority over me, and I'm free to do whatever I want...

For one, I want to know why our culture gets soooo excited about 18.... for example, what is it about tomorrow that I AM allowed to check out R rated movies at the library (not that I plan to! ...well...unless I find Gran Torino, maybe...) ;) but I'm not mature enough today? I reaallllllyy don't understand the huge difference. I also know for a fact that I won't wake up tomorrow feeling any different (except maybe more rested, since my wonderful Mother is taking my shift at the shop!! :D)...idk. Just seems weird to me.

BUT anyway... As I was driving around, holding Elmo's hand and THOROUGHLY enjoying my ducks and teddy bear, I was thinking about growing up... (yeah, I know, it doesn't exactly seem like I'm growing up much, right?? :P)
I really don't want get all "I'm 18... I'm so amazing and adultish. Plus, I can't play with teddy bears and Elmo balloons, because it's not cool and I might look stupid..."..... that's so sad and boring...
So all the sayings like "you don't stop having fun because you grow old; you grow old because you stop having fun"? I'm planning to live that. While it might be cliche, it seems so true to me...

Mad at God

God is so good. When I was feeling friendless, he brought one of my best friends from when I was younger back into my life.
…then she was moving.
God showed me that I had two other best friends who I hadn’t even thought of.
…they both left for college.

I was upset. I was hurt. I was lonely. Then I realized: I was mad at God.

I had never been mad at God before. I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know what to do.
I was talking with one of my closest friends about it. The night before, I had been told "go ahead and be mad at God. He's big enough to handle it. Be mad, yell at him. He doesn't care." Now today I was told “keep fighting.” …I always thought I wasn’t supposed to be mad at God. I thought I wasn’t supposed to fight God.
The next thing I was told was to think of God as my father. My father….. My father hates it when I’m hurt. He hates it when I am lonely. He wants me to come to him, to look for love and companionship in him. He doesn’t want me to be mad at him, but he’s bigger than my anger. He’s bigger than my pain.
I’m not supposed to fight God, but I’m also not supposed to just give up, never get over it, not learn anything from it,

Anger happens. Jesus got angry. Each and every one of us has heard many times “Anger isn’t wrong, what you DO with your anger is what makes it wrong.”
Angry happens. Getting angry at God… I still don’t know what I think. Anger results from feeling cheated, like you aren’t getting what’s rightfully yours, what you deserve.
God never cheats us. He DOESN’T give us what’s rightfully ours or what we deserve, but we can’t get angry about that: all we deserve is death, condemnation, Hell…


I still don’t know what I think about getting angry at God…
I know I have to chose not to be angry at God anymore.

God will provide the friends I need. He won’t leave me missing something I need.

...when you feel like a complete failure...

Thoughts in Me

Sitting here, yet again, watching everyone go off for the life I think I want...It looks like all that... but my live's been chosen.

I'm stuck: I'm no longer a child, I'm not yet an adult. How am I supposed to live my life? I want to move out because I'm adult; I want to stay home because I'm a child.

I want someone who needs me. I want somewhere to be involved - to make a difference... I want to make a difference in one specific area of Warsaw. I want to go overseas and make a difference in the life of someone who has no chance at life. I want to minister to a girl who's alone and scared... so here I sit, in my comfortable house, in my messy room with too much stuff, money sitting in my bank account...

On one hand, I want someone just to see that everything's not going as well as they think. But at the same time, if anyone does, I feel selfish - like they shouldn't be paying attention to me...



In agony, my heart cries out.
Stretching, reaching, it reaches to You.
You seem so far, but You're right with me.

I miss You, desire You, want none but You...
Yet overwhelmed by the hardships I endure,
I run away instead.

Though Your protection is all around me,
I feel as though I live a solitary existance.

Do They See Me?

When all I want is the worst I could do...
when I think that it's the only way to get thru...
when what I need will only hurt you...

I'll be there for those around.
I'll listen when trials abound.

Who is there for me when I need the most?
Who knows I feel so very lost?
Who cares when I have nothing left?

You give me so much.
I haven't given you enough.
I give them so much.
Do they see me?

Right Decisions

Here I lay, knowing what decision I need to make - not wanting to make it.

I feel like a hypocrite, having spent much of my time lately sharing with my friends how - when they know what it is - they must make the right decision.
"...[Y]ou know better than to do something against what God wants. Yes, God forgives and loves us regardless of what we do, but that doesn't make it ok to go against Him... Quite the opposite! If we are truly His, we wouldn't chose to go against Him ever!"

...Or was that God showing me what I needed to know for when He showed me MY decision that I needed to make?


God, give me the strength to make MY right decision.

These Emotions and Feelings...

These emotions and feelings are tearing me up: what am I supposed to do? Am I in the wrong?

"Have you given them to God?
If you have truely given them, why do you have to keep doing it?
Do you give them up, then take them back?"

I HAVE given them up.
I have TRUELY given them up.
I havne't taken them back.

These emotions and feelings are tearing me up: what am I supposed to do? Am I in the wrong?

I have given these feelings to the One who created them, who created me. I have let them go. He can do with them as He sees fit. I want to do and feel as He desires.
I have not taken them back, but I find myself holding them. I have given them up, but I find myself holding them. I am not holding them in a closed fist, but rather in an outstreched hand, open for him to give and take as He desires.

These emotions and feelings are tearing me up: what am I supposed to do? Am I in the wrong?

They feel so right. They feel so wrong.
I know it can't be - at least not now.
I know it can't be - not as things are now.
I know it can't be - but it's what I want.

I want it so bad. It's not a raging desire. It does not consume me at all times.
It is, rather, a peaceful desire. There is, to any desire, an element of reaching.
I am not reaching yelling and screaming. I am reaching, but waiting. I am an outstreched hand, invinting to be taken, but not demanding.

These emotions and feelings are tearing me up: what am I supposed to do? Am I in the wrong?