"So what is going on apart from these crazy events?"
"ummm... dealing with more and other relationships. I feel like this period of my life - starting a week and a half ago - is very relationship oriented. There are healed and healing relationships. There are defined relationships. I am searching for healing, health, support... I'm learning to let go of what relationships WERE and allow them to grow, change, or phase.
and God is very real in my life right now. I'm continually FILLED with His joy! it makes me want to cry and my heart feels too big to fit inside my chest..."
So THAT' ^ is the short version. It's what I wrote to one friend I talked to tonight in a short answer to his question of "what's up?".
Relationships are crazy things. They can build you up. They can tear you down.
Here at school I have some of the very best relationships I have ever had in my life. But even as I type these sentences, other relationships that mean the world pop into my head. (Let's just say (since living in an upper-classmen girls' dorm keeps weddings on one's mind) that I'm glad I'm not planning a wedding - I'd want about 20 bridesmaids and would have another 5 groomsmen already picked out!)
Here at school I have some of the very best relationships I have ever had in my life. But even as I type these sentences, other relationships that mean the world pop into my head. (Let's just say (since living in an upper-classmen girls' dorm keeps weddings on one's mind) that I'm glad I'm not planning a wedding - I'd want about 20 bridesmaids and would have another 5 groomsmen already picked out!)
Starting last semester and then continuing on to this semester, there has been a relationship that has been heading downhill in my life. This relationship meant the world to me last semester but I was ready to just forget about it, and never deal with it again after these next few months of school.
But then one day all kinds of things went wrong and life was too hard to handle. I went to one of my best friends on campus who always draws me to Christ. I burst into tears as she answered her door. I shared with her everything that was in my heart - all the pains that had come to a point that day, including how this "friend" had done one more thing that pushed me away.
After a long time of discussion, comfort and prayer, she approached the topic. She told me straight up that I was placed in this relationship for a reason and that I should not let it go. It had meant so much to me and I didn't want to let it end on such a bad note (something I knew from past relationships, but didn't want to admit).
The next evening, I was talking to my suitemate. This relationship came up again. She told me that she didn't see any reason why it could not be healed. She said I should consider being the one to approach it, because it seemed that the other person was not going to.
THEN... I went to church the next morning. It was a communion Sunday. All the times I have heard the "If you come to communion and remember that someone has something against you, you shouldn't take communion until you have fixed the issue with them" and the "search your heart to see if you are right with God" and so on came rushing into my thoughts. I gave up.
"O.K., God! I got it. I will be the one who approaches this situation, who takes the first step! I've heard you..."
Then came the sermon. It was over things that keep us from following Christ - especially relationships gone sour.
"...right. OK! I heard you the third time! THANKS GOD!"
Alright. So I was getting a little frustrated. But as soon as the service was done, I found the first friend I had talked to. I told her that I would talk to my "friend" and that I was giving her permission to keep me accountable. She cried. Cried. She was so happy that God had moved.
So... long story a little shorter... I talked to my friend. It had been a long string of miscommunications on both sides that had caused pain on both sides. Both of us were hurt. Both of us were ready to restore the situation.
But then one day all kinds of things went wrong and life was too hard to handle. I went to one of my best friends on campus who always draws me to Christ. I burst into tears as she answered her door. I shared with her everything that was in my heart - all the pains that had come to a point that day, including how this "friend" had done one more thing that pushed me away.
After a long time of discussion, comfort and prayer, she approached the topic. She told me straight up that I was placed in this relationship for a reason and that I should not let it go. It had meant so much to me and I didn't want to let it end on such a bad note (something I knew from past relationships, but didn't want to admit).
The next evening, I was talking to my suitemate. This relationship came up again. She told me that she didn't see any reason why it could not be healed. She said I should consider being the one to approach it, because it seemed that the other person was not going to.
THEN... I went to church the next morning. It was a communion Sunday. All the times I have heard the "If you come to communion and remember that someone has something against you, you shouldn't take communion until you have fixed the issue with them" and the "search your heart to see if you are right with God" and so on came rushing into my thoughts. I gave up.
"O.K., God! I got it. I will be the one who approaches this situation, who takes the first step! I've heard you..."
Then came the sermon. It was over things that keep us from following Christ - especially relationships gone sour.
"...right. OK! I heard you the third time! THANKS GOD!"
Alright. So I was getting a little frustrated. But as soon as the service was done, I found the first friend I had talked to. I told her that I would talk to my "friend" and that I was giving her permission to keep me accountable. She cried. Cried. She was so happy that God had moved.
So... long story a little shorter... I talked to my friend. It had been a long string of miscommunications on both sides that had caused pain on both sides. Both of us were hurt. Both of us were ready to restore the situation.
The next weekend rolls around.
I had been dealing with some intense friend issues regarding who I spend my time with and who gets how much time. It had been hard. Also during the week, I had been blessed to have my bestie -> my brother -> up here to see me. Another relationship that had needed attention (just because we're apart).
Evensong rolled around. I didn't want to go to Evensong: I was in the middle of a really good discussion with a really close friend. We were talking about hard stuff and I didn't want to leave. But I had made a promise to two other friends that I would go to Evensong. (Evensong is Sunday night, all worship chapel here at CU.) I sought to prepare to meet God as I walked to chapel.
Right before the service started, I saw the other person with whom I also had a broken relationship across the room. It had happened before that I saw them before Evensong and it always meant I was unable to focus on (much less feel or otherwise experience) God on those nights. I visibly reacted to seeing this person a row over.
One of the two people I had promised to attend with noticed. He prayed with me. The music started and he whispered during the first song "listen to this as God's love song to you. Because it is. He's speaking to you." The words of that song could never have meant more to me. God loved me.
As the evening progressed, God continued to speak to me. He spoke to me of all He had done for me, of His love for me, and that I had no reason to fear. I have rarely felt God so real. As we worshipped Him in community that night, I felt I would burst! God deserves so much more than I could give. I sang at the top of my lungs, but it wasn't enough. I reached for God, but could not reach far enough. I could not contain my Love and my Joy for Him.
As the night continued, I felt that I was supposed to go talk to the person with whom I had a broken relationship. I was scared. What if I was hurt again? What if I attacked them with my words and made the whole thing worse?
The last song, the last lines: "I'm leaving my fears behind me now. The old has gone, the new has come. What you complete is completely done. We're heirs with Christ, the victory won. What you complete is completely done.".
That did it. I had to go. I was scared, but it was God's. I went and He healed the hurt. Sure, I had more to deal with after leaving that chapel, but God had provided two very dear friends who were there to support me as I processed and dealt with the past.
So now I'm in this mode. I can't explain it. But I'm sick of hurting relationships. I talked to yet another friend tonight because I thought we were friends, but after the last interaction I had with this person, I was afraid they thought I specifically disliked them. I am not about to do down that path again. One more relationship saved because Christ is working in me and those around me.
I had two very real discussions with two very dear friends tonight. I have more coming this week. I cannot count the number of people in my life who bless me every time I see them.
So here I am. I'm overflowing with Joy. Blessed beyond anything I can say.
But if I could label this time, I would label this the "Season of Relationships". I have a group of friends who embraces my "4-ness" when I act like a kid. They support me. I can ALWAYS find them. Members of this group who I have never seriously or specifically talked to come up to me to give me a hug and tell me they love me.
God has given me again a set of friends who touch a part of my heart that had been so lonely for two years.
I have been given more friends than I could ever hope for. I have been given more Joy than I can ever express. My heart is overflowing. It is too big to fit in my chest. It's exploding out of me and I don't know how I will handle it.
I have received blessing. I have "the favor of Deity."
I had been dealing with some intense friend issues regarding who I spend my time with and who gets how much time. It had been hard. Also during the week, I had been blessed to have my bestie -> my brother -> up here to see me. Another relationship that had needed attention (just because we're apart).
Evensong rolled around. I didn't want to go to Evensong: I was in the middle of a really good discussion with a really close friend. We were talking about hard stuff and I didn't want to leave. But I had made a promise to two other friends that I would go to Evensong. (Evensong is Sunday night, all worship chapel here at CU.) I sought to prepare to meet God as I walked to chapel.
Right before the service started, I saw the other person with whom I also had a broken relationship across the room. It had happened before that I saw them before Evensong and it always meant I was unable to focus on (much less feel or otherwise experience) God on those nights. I visibly reacted to seeing this person a row over.
One of the two people I had promised to attend with noticed. He prayed with me. The music started and he whispered during the first song "listen to this as God's love song to you. Because it is. He's speaking to you." The words of that song could never have meant more to me. God loved me.
As the evening progressed, God continued to speak to me. He spoke to me of all He had done for me, of His love for me, and that I had no reason to fear. I have rarely felt God so real. As we worshipped Him in community that night, I felt I would burst! God deserves so much more than I could give. I sang at the top of my lungs, but it wasn't enough. I reached for God, but could not reach far enough. I could not contain my Love and my Joy for Him.
As the night continued, I felt that I was supposed to go talk to the person with whom I had a broken relationship. I was scared. What if I was hurt again? What if I attacked them with my words and made the whole thing worse?
The last song, the last lines: "I'm leaving my fears behind me now. The old has gone, the new has come. What you complete is completely done. We're heirs with Christ, the victory won. What you complete is completely done.".
That did it. I had to go. I was scared, but it was God's. I went and He healed the hurt. Sure, I had more to deal with after leaving that chapel, but God had provided two very dear friends who were there to support me as I processed and dealt with the past.
So now I'm in this mode. I can't explain it. But I'm sick of hurting relationships. I talked to yet another friend tonight because I thought we were friends, but after the last interaction I had with this person, I was afraid they thought I specifically disliked them. I am not about to do down that path again. One more relationship saved because Christ is working in me and those around me.
I had two very real discussions with two very dear friends tonight. I have more coming this week. I cannot count the number of people in my life who bless me every time I see them.
So here I am. I'm overflowing with Joy. Blessed beyond anything I can say.
But if I could label this time, I would label this the "Season of Relationships". I have a group of friends who embraces my "4-ness" when I act like a kid. They support me. I can ALWAYS find them. Members of this group who I have never seriously or specifically talked to come up to me to give me a hug and tell me they love me.
God has given me again a set of friends who touch a part of my heart that had been so lonely for two years.
I have been given more friends than I could ever hope for. I have been given more Joy than I can ever express. My heart is overflowing. It is too big to fit in my chest. It's exploding out of me and I don't know how I will handle it.
I have received blessing. I have "the favor of Deity."
10,000 Reasons...
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